


Leave My Body

by Pline



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universes, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Firefam Feels, Gen, It's a Wonderful Life, M/M, Post-Season/Series 03, References to Depression, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Team as Family, Temporary Character Death, inspired by it's a wonderful life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:34:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25362466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pline/pseuds/Pline
Summary: "Do you want to see how it could have been? You are so sure you've been a burden on everyone you've ever met, but I can show you the truth.".Buck dies but it's not the end.(Inspired by the movieIt's a Wonderful Life)
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 474
Kudos: 684





	1. What is

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Leave My Body](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27048709) by [Alex_Kollins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alex_Kollins/pseuds/Alex_Kollins)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Set post season 3**
> 
> Hello!
> 
> I am back with a short multi-chapter fic.
> 
> The concept has been the idea of my friend Jess, [@gay-in-221b](https://gay-in-221b.tumblr.com) and I ran with it.
> 
> This is inspired by the movie _It's a Wonderful Life_. I will be honest and admit that I haven't actually seen it. I'm doing my own thing, and it's just the basic concept that I'm stealing for this.
> 
> There will be more than just what life would have been without Buck...
> 
> Title from the song by _Florence + The Machine_. I've been listening to it non stop, and it's influenced this quite a bit.
> 
> **Warnings**  
>  \- Character death (temporary but still)  
> \- References to depression

By [Ro_Nordmann](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ro_Nordmann/pseuds/Ro_Nordmann) / [@ronordmann](https://ronordmann.tumblr.com//)

The day Buck dies starts like any other day.

It is so unremarkable that, later, he will recall nothing of it - all his unremarkable mornings blending into one another until they become a single evasive memory.

Buck will only remember that it was sunny, but then again, this is a common occurrence in Los Angeles. It doesn’t mean anything, but in death, nothing does.

Unless everything does.

* * *

This is how it starts.

* * *

Buck has been tired lately.

After the train derailment and seeing Abby again, he really thought that he was going to start a new page of his life, something better.

He had been hopeful.

It didn’t last long

Around him, things _are_ changing. They just aren’t changing for _him_.

Hen is trying to get into Med school, Athena is deciding if she wants a career change after her attack, and, hell, Maddie and Chim are settling into their life together, Buck has even caught them talking about buying a house together.

And Eddie – Eddie is seeing Ana Flores.

Buck knows what he wants, knows how his life could change. He just can’t have it. And so he stays the same.

* * *

He thinks about Red a lot. Is he going to end up like him? The world going on without him and him, left behind, forgotten – an afterthought at best.

He wants more for his life, for himself. More than anything, he wants a family. He thought he had found that with Eddie and Christopher, that Buck and Eddie were finally getting closer that they had ever been.

Buck had even started wondering if they hadn’t already crossed the line into dating but hadn’t spoken on it yet – and then Eddie had blurted that he was going to go on a date with Christopher’s English teacher.

It had been an electroshock, one that woke him up from this senseless dream he had been having. The reality check had been painful.

He should have known better. Buck doesn’t get to have happy endings, he only gets to watch others get theirs. And that’s fine. That’s _fine_.

How stupid he had been to think that Eddie and he could ever be together. They have always been just friends, and he saw only what he wanted to see.

The thing is, Eddie is it for him. Buck knows that. Eddie is the love of his life and there could never be anyone else. His life truly is echoing Red’s – Eddie is his one that got away, except he never was his in the first place.

* * *

Buck’s last hours on Earth are spent with his team, blazing through the streets of Los Angeles, saving lives.

It’s a good way of spending those few last hours, Buck is proud of that.

Going into firefighting, he knew the risks. On the first day at the Fire Academy, the instructors stand in front of all the new recruits and warn about what awaits them should they see their training through.

 _You_ _will_ _have to go_ _into situations_ _everyone else_ _run away from._ _You will risk your life every day, so if you can’t deal with it, turn around right now and walk away._

Buck hadn’t walked away.

No matter what happens to him, he will never regret that decision.

* * *

Buck hits the water and, for a split second, his mind yells _Christopher,_ but he is not in a tsunami. He’s just jumped into someone’s swimming pool to save a drowning teenager who fell from the window they came to rescue him from.

He has tried sneaking out but his fear of heights froze him in place until his friend called 911.

Eddie is by his side, having jumped right after him, and together they hold up the kid out of the pool for Bobby and Hen to catch him while Hen is ready to start working on him.

“How is he doing?” Buck asks as soon as he is back on dry land.

His answer comes in the form of the kid himself throwing up all the water he has swallowed before darting up, confused and afraid.

“It’s okay, calm down,” the team tries but the kid isn’t hearing anything at all.

He pushes Bobby away with surprising force for someone who was unconscious seconds prior, and Bobby stumbles back. Chim catches him before he falls but he is standing up from where he’s been working on the kid, and the two of them stagger to the ground.

Hen, trying to catch Chim’s arm to hold him up, only manages to fall with them.

Buck steps closer to the kid but before he can try and calm him down, the kid, flailing, elbows him right in the nose.

“Fuck,” Buck swears loudly as blood comes pouring down.

It’s Eddie who finally calms the kid down – he has a way with kids, something that Buck has always loved in him.

He buries the thought. It’s pointless to ponder on his unrequited love for his best friend.

“You’re okay?” Bobby asks once the teen is being brought on the ambulance by Eddie and Hen.

“Yeah,” Buck replies, the compress that he’s been given already dripping with blood. “It’s fine. What about you?”

His captain laughs, “That’s the ego that took most of the fall.”

“I expected more from such a high profile figure skater,” Chim pipes in. “Alright, Buckaroo, let’s take a look at the damage.”

“You fell too,” Buck can’t help but point out, and he feels more himself than he has in a long time, joking with his friends like that.

“Because of Bobby.”

“I’m still here, Chim,” Bobby protests but he’s smiling wide.

Buck stays still while his friend examine him. He winces when Chim touches his nose but the pain, though intense, is quick to fade.

“It’s not broken”, his friend announces. “Your beautiful face is going to stay intact.”

“I told you to stop flirting with me,” Buck jokes. “I’m gonna have to tell Maddie.”

It’s fun and stupid, and they’re laughing together as they get back towards the truck.

Buck’s good humor is cut short though when Eddie still won’t look at him.

What happened between them? Did Buck do something wrong? Did Eddie sense the true depths of Buck’s feelings? Did that scare him away?

He wishes he knew so that he could fix it, but Eddie won’t talk to him.

* * *

Buck is in the bathroom, wiping the blood off his face.

His nose is sore but it doesn’t hurt all that much. He has had much worse in his life – not even talking about the pulmonary embolism or the firetruck crushing his leg, the three scratches he got on his face during the tsunami took forever to heal and they itched like crazy.

His uniform shirt is ruined though. Chim is probably right, Buck only bled that much because of his slight dehydration that made the vessels in his nose burst easily. Still, he is tired of ruining yet another shirt.

But it’s just another thing he’s ruined. He is used to ruining things.

He stares at the reflection in the mirror. Under the harsh light of the station’s bathroom, he finds himself almost monstrous.

Who is this person staring back at him? Who is this man with pale skin, hollowed cheeks and empty eyes?

Who did he use to be?

He leans down to the sink to splash water onto his face, hoping that it might bring him shake him off of this stupor he’s in, but knowing it won’t.

When he stands back up, he jumps out of his skin.

“Oh, hell, you almost gave me a heart attack,” he exclaims.

Hen smiles from where she is standing behind him, “Good thing I’m an EMT then.”

Their eyes are meeting through the mirror and, after taking another breath to calm his heart, he turns to face her.

“What’s up?” he asks.

Her lips lower down – it would be imperceptible to most, but, like anyone on the team, have lived in each other’s pockets. They have seen each other through it all, and so they can read each other like few people can.

Buck fights the urge to squirm under her gaze. If they can read other well, Hen is the best at this game. One look is enough for her to pick apart whatever they are thinking.

Right now, she is seeing all that he doesn’t want anyone to see. He doesn’t want anyone to know how low he has been feeling.

He is enough of a burden as it is.

“Are you alright?”

So that’s what she settled on – he is not surprised, though he wishes she wouldn’t have.

“I’m good,” he replies, shrugging. “Chim says it’s not broken, you know that.”

“I didn’t mean the nose.”

A sigh almost leaves his lips but he manages to hold it back at the last second. He loves her and he appreciates her concern, but he isn’t sure anyone would understand what he is going through. He isn’t sure himself.

Frankly too, his feelings are too big for him anyway. He never wants to talk about them on top of that.

Talking about them might make the growing darkness inside of him real, and this isn’t something that he wants.

“I’m good, Hen,” he repeats, trying to put more conviction into his lie. “You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“But I’m worried. You don’t smile like you used to, you don’t offer team hang-outs, you don’t talk anymore. I just want you to talk to me, you’re my friend, and I am worried about you. I know I’ve been busy, but you can come to me, okay?”

Buck bows his head down in shame. She is so earnest, she means every word that she is saying. There’s a teeny voice in his head that’s telling him to reach out to her, to confide in her about the darkness that has been growing in his heart.

“Are you having nightmares again?” she presses when he’s been silent a beat too long.

And, no, he hasn’t because he hasn’t been sleeping long enough to have nightmares but –

“Yes. I’m having nightmares again.”

The guilt of his lie tastes metallic on his tongue, and it only tastes all the sourer when Hen’s brow pinches in worry.

“Buck,” she sighs. “Have you thought about going to therapy?”

What’s another lie?

“I’ve been seeing Frank again.”

It works. She smiles, relieved.

“Great, I’m glad to hear that.” She nudges him in the side to coax a smile out of him and he obliges. “But I’m still here anyway, alright?”

“I know,” and the smile he gives him is the most sincere he has worn in a while. “And you know I’m here for you too.”

Whatever she is about to say is lost by Eddie calling from the doorway where he is standing almost awkwardly, his gaze set on Hen, avoiding Buck altogether.

“Hey guys, Bobby is rounding up everyone for dinner.”

“We’ll be right back,” Hen says, and, without another look, Eddie turns around and leaves.

Buck’s shoulders drop. There is this tension between them now, something that was never there before and that’s been brewing between them every since Eddie said he would go on a date with Ana, and Buck got his hopes of a life together crushed.

“Buck,” Hen starts and he doesn’t need to hear what she has to say about it.

“I’m good,” he lies once more, and then rushes out of the bathroom.

* * *

The team, sans Hen, is already seated at the table.

As soon as he sits down himself, the alarm rings.

He can’t help but give one last forlorn look at the abandoned salmon and he catches Chim doing the same before they are running off to the trucks.

Had he known what would await him, he would have taken one last bite of his captain’s cooking.

On that day, that very last day, they find themselves in a residential neighborhood, standing in front of a burning house, the flames already high and licking at the roof. Firefighters aren’t faced with as many fires as one would think, it’s only his luck that Buck would meet his end to the flames.

Bobby gives the orders and off they are, stepping into this burning hell of a house.

Of course, Buck is paired up with Eddie. Bobby doesn’t even have to think about it anymore, it’s obvious that they would work in tandem.

On the job, Eddie is nothing but professional.

They don’t talk as they walk though the house, yelling out for people who could be trapped.

“I think it’s empty,” Eddie cries out – the first time he addresses him directly that day.

“Let’s go.”

Eddie radios Bobby, telling him they are making their way out and that they haven’t found anyone. The smoke is getting thicker and even covered with their heavy turn-out coats, the heat is close to unbearable.

“We have to hurry,” Buck shouts. “It’s getting unstable.”

As if to prove his point, the house cracks with a terrible sound. The floor they are walking on trembles under their feet.

“Run, run!”

Buck would do just that, but the ground caves in from under him.

The last thing he sees before he loses consciousness is Eddie’s mouth open in a scream he doesn’t hear.

* * *

He comes to very soon after though he couldn’t stay how long.

What he notices first is that he is alone.

And then he notices how hard it is to breathe.

Buck is suffocating. His mask got knocked off in his fall and the smoke is thick and scorching as it passes through his lungs.

This is the end. He is going to die.

The flames are going up higher and higher, and he’s down, down under the rumble, down in what must have been the basement.

His body is weak and slow and his team can’t get to him.

It’s over.

He thinks about getting up anyway, try to find his way back to his family though he knows it’s already doomed. He doesn’t try.

Maybe this is better this way. Maybe they will be better off without him.

Why fight? Why go on?

He sits down, as far away from the flames as he can manage.

It feels very true to him that he would die alone. There is no doubt that this is the end for him. He is going to die and he is all alone and he is scared, defeated too.

He has escaped death too many times not to know that it would find him again sooner than later. Too many chances he has been given, and what has he done with them? Nothing has changed.

Maybe this is the universe telling him that all these chances have been lost on him and that he never deserved them in the first place.

How else to explain dying in such a horrible way? Burned alive – his only hope lays in the smoke inhalation killing him before the flames engulf him.

“ – uck! Can you hear – ”

Unworthy he is but never ungrateful that he should hear Eddie’s voice one last time before leaving this world.

“Bu – ”

The radio crackles and dies in his hand.

Back pressed against the only wall that’s not burning to the crisp, Buck conjures images of his loved ones in his mind.

Will they miss him? How long will it take before they move on? Forget him?

He is glad that Maddie has Chim now. She won’t be alone.

Tears roll down his cheeks but the heat is so intense they evaporate right away. He clinches the radio closer to his hearts. There are things he should have said. He should have apologized to his friends for making their lives so hard so many times.

He should have told them what they meant to him.

He should have told Eddie he loved him even if it meant losing him, but Buck’s heart beats selfishly. He wanted Eddie and Christopher to himself, he wanted to pretend they could be a family together.

Eddie should have known how loved he could be.

But he’s got Ana now.

Perhaps she will be the one to love Eddie as he deserves to be loved.

Everyone has someone but him.

No one needs him.

He can let go. He can disappear.

Outside this hell, so close and yet impossibly far, he thinks he hears someone yell out his name at the top of their lungs.

_Eddie? Could it be – ?_

No.

It’s just wishful thinking.

Breathing is getting harder, his lungs are alight with the same fire that’s crumbling this house to the ground, his heart is pumping hard and useless.

Breathing gets more and more painful, less and less rewarding, until he isn’t breathing at all anymore.

His heart stops beating.

Evan Buckley dies.

* * *

The fire is raging around him but he can’t feel any of it anymore.

He can’t feel anything at all. This does not faze him.

His body is laying on the ground, his head is lulled against his chest. In his hand, he is holding his radio, the last link with his family. It crackles, but no voice comes out.

Buck looks at the scene with something akin to curiosity. His corpse looks small – he was a big guy, tall and built, but looking at his own lifeless body, Buck is almost disappointed.

This is how they will find him, and he makes quite the pathetic scene. They will see him sitting, settled, and they will know he gave up. They will know he stopped fighting.

He turns around, he can’t bear to look at himself a moment longer.

So. There is something after death. He used to wonder about that.

What is he supposed to do now? Is he going to remain stuck here forever, to roam the place where he lost his life? Can he leave his body behind? Can he follow his loved ones? Can he reach out to them?

“Hello?” he calls out and his voice feels strange, like it doesn’t quite belong to him anymore. “Is there anyone here?”

“You don’t have to yell, child.”

Buck flips around and there, untouched by the flames, stands a woman whose skin is as dark as a moonless night, unnaturally so, and whose eyes shine like a thousand stars, gleaming in the darkened room.

She has deep wrinkles etched into her face, but when he blinks her face is smooth and youthful. Somehow, she looks as young as the first hours of a summer morning, and as old as the very Earth itself at the same time.

“Who are you?”

It comes out as a whisper, awed in every sense of the word.

“You can call me Nitya.” When she smiles, something nameless settles inside of him. “I am your guide towards the next step.”

Oh.

This is the end.

Though he has known, hearing it still feels strange – like it should provoke something but his heart is muted and buried under the darkness that’s been controlling his thoughts.

“Are you God?”

“Do you want me to be?”

He frowns. He isn’t sure he wants anything at all.

“I’m not sure,” he replies. “I don’t know if I’ve ever believed in any sorts of God anyway.”

“Then I’m not, it’s alright. I can be anything at all, you know. My existence isn’t limited in the way yours is.”

He glances one last time at his body. This is going to upset Maddie – Maddie should never be upset. A thought, distant, rises in him. He could try to go back, set back into his own skin.

He takes a step towards it. Nitya is waiting, watching, he can’t see her but he _knows_.

Going back. It would mean fighting his way out of this inferno. It would mean going back to his life, to the world going on without him. He is exhausted.

Doesn’t he deserve peace too?

He turns back to Nitya.

“Lead the way.”

Her expression remains the same but he feels like he has just failed a test.

She turns and, unable to do anything else if he tried, he follows her.

They walk through the flames and then, in a strange way his brain can’t process, they are outside.

His team is there.

Eddie is screaming Buck’s name, Bobby, Chim and Hen are all holding back, struggling against the full force of his emotion.

“Don’t trail off,” Nitya calls.

Buck wants to tell her to wait, he wants to try and do – something, anything, he doesn’t know.

There are tears on Bobby’s cheeks, Hen’s glasses are stained with tears too.

He follows after Nitya.

They will get through this. They will move on.

It’s too late anyway.

“Tell me,” Nitya says suddenly. In that moment, he is certain he could never refuse her anything. “I like to talk to the humans in my charge.”

He waits but she doesn’t say anything else.

“Yes?” he offers.

“What would you say the sum of your life is?”

He doesn’t remember her stopping to look at him, but there she is, staring right into his soul, her incandescent eyes burning through him so much so like the fire that killed him.

Behind them, Eddie is still screaming Buck’s name.

“I don’t know?” he answers but he comes out like a question. “I don’t know if it amounts to much of anything.”

“Really? Even with all the lives you saved?”

Uncomfortable under her full focus, he casts his eyes down. His body appears solid still, he can’t see through it.

“It was my job – someone else would have saved them,” the words feel heavy on his tongue. "I don’t think I did a difference in the world, and I for sure didn’t leave it a better place than how I was given it. Maybe…”

He trails off.

Nitya’s eyes bore into him like she can see _through_ him, be him a ghost or not.

“Maybe?” she echoes.

“Maybe it would have been better if I had never been born.”

Everything is silent. They are still in the same place, behind them his friends are still holding Eddie back from running into the burning house, but Buck can’t hear any of it. It’s like him and Nitya are stuck in their own pocket of existence.

"Do you want to see how it could have been? You are so sure you've been a burden on everyone you've ever met, but I can show you the truth."

Buck glances at his team, his family. Eddie has fallen to the ground, sobbing. The house is still burning, flames untamed.

Does he want to see how much better the world would have been without him?

But still, that would mean a few more moments with these people he loves so much. He has no idea what awaits him when he steps away with Nitya. Will he stop being altogether?

And isn’t he selfish?

If he can steal just a few more moments, then he will.

“Show me.”

Nitya smiles.

This test, he has passed.

Everything disappears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are!
> 
> I hope you liked this first chapter, there will be five chapters in total.
> 
> Please tell me what you thought of it in the comments, this is what keeps me going.
> 
> Find me on tumblr [@bilbobagglns](https://bilbobagglns.tumblr.com) if you want to yell at me a little bit.
> 
> See you soon hopefully!!


	2. What would never be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This is a world in which you’ve never been born. This is the world without Evan Buckley.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> Thank you so much for all great support you have shown for the first chapter 💕
> 
> I hope you will like this!!
> 
> **Warnings**  
>  \- Character death (mentioned)  
> \- Past abuse (mentioned)

The universe folds onto itself a million times over as Nitya transports them through it.

It’s as if every single atom of his being is being torn apart all over, if any atom he has left. When the very fabric of existence stops spinning, Buck takes half an age to find his balance. Time, space, all that he’s known has lost any meaning it ever had.

“Where are we?”

Buck’s question is met with silence.

Nitya is nowhere to be found.

He should be perturbed, worried even. Instead, he turns his attention to his surroundings.

He is in a tiny apartment which walls are covered with tired mustard wallpapers, torn in several places, sadly hanging or even ripped off. The blinds are down but light passes through where they have been broken.

On the couch that also serves as a bed lies open a tired piece of luggage. It has various things thrown in it, more than half is a mess around it, as if the person who made it was in a rush and got interrupted.

He reaches to a handbag that he notices sitting abandoned on the floor, but his fingers pass through.

Jolting back, he holds his hand against his chest, an ice-cold sensation burning it.

This is his fate, Buck reminds himself. He is but a ghost, a shadow of how he was. He can’t interact with anything – he isn’t here and here doesn’t actually exist.

The door slams open, revealing a face he knows like his own.

“Maddie,” he breathes out.

All thoughts of this not being real escape him at once at the sight of his sister, haggard and beaten. He has never seen her so gaunt – her eyes are almost too big for her face with how hollow her cheeks are. Her hair is dirty and, strangely, dyed blond, but a blond that’s almost turned green from not taking good care of it.

“Maddie,” he calls again, louder this time, more desperate.

But Maddie continues on, deaf to his cries. She picks up what’s on the floor with shaking hands before going to shut the baggage. She struggles to close it with how rattled she is, and Buck can nothing but watch as her fingers slip on the zipper once again.

“Come on,” she mutters to herself. “Just work, dammit.”

Tears of frustration gather at the corner of her eyes. He wants to reach out to her, to comfort her, tell her that he will take care of whatever is upsetting her.

He can’t.

Finally, she manages to get it shut. The broken noise of victory she makes sounds too much like a sob, but she loses no time in picking herself up. She dashes to her handbag and, without a look behind, she rushes out of the apartment.

“Nitya,” he calls out.

No one answers him, and so, he rushes after his sister in time to see her get into the driving seat of a beat-up car. Seconds later, she is speeding off out of the parking lot and onto the road.

“What do you think?”

Buck flips around – Nitya is staring at him with her bright unblinking eyes, and he staggers under the weight of her gaze. Still, he holds it.

“What’s happening?” he asks, rattled from seeing Maddie so unlike herself. “Why are you showing me this?”

“This is a world in which you’ve never been born,” she says. “This is the world without Evan Buckley.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You’ve wanted me to show you what would happen if you’d never existed. This is what happens.”

“Yes, I know that,” Buck says. “But what does it mean? What’s going on with her? Where are we? Why isn’t she in L.A.?”

Nitya raises an eyebrow.

“Why would she be? She only ever went to Los Angeles because of you, and she never would have stayed if it weren’t for you.”

Oh. It does make sense, but it doesn’t explain the way she trembled or the tears in her eyes. It doesn’t explain either her skeletal frame or her dyed hair.

Nitya must sense his confusion because she raises a hand to quiet him down before he can ask anymore questions. At once, he becomes rooted in place, certain without a doubt that he could not move even if he tried until she allowed it.

“Here, in this world, Maddie Buckley is an only child. She lived a quiet and lonely childhood with absent and unloving parents. She never had anyone to turn to when their neglect became too much to bear, no one who could alleviate the pain, no little brother to take her of and to love.”

Heavy, Buck remembers his last years in Pennsylvania when it was only his parents and him, how lonely and terrible it had been. Yet, even if they had lost touch, he knew he could always turn to his sister.

He knew that she was out there, and his only goal had been to escape their hometown and to run to her.

To think that all of her life had been like that, with no one to share it – an empty room in an empty house with empty parents.

Hit by a sudden conclusion, he blurts out, “Doug.”

“Yes, Doug,” Nitya confirms, voice grave. “She met him here too, and they married, and here too, he became violent with her. She did leave him, this is a strength that she carries in every universe there could be, though it took her a little bit more time to do so.”

Buck wants to tell her to stop, he already knows where this is going. Yet, when he tries to speak, no sounds come out.

Relentless, Nitya keeps going.

“She had no one to turn to after she left him, no one to help her settle into a new life. As such, she kept on running from him. She will keep on running until he finds her, and he will. He always does.”

Buck can’t hold back the tears – this isn’t a life.

Maddie is on her own, terrified at all times of an oppressing shadow that will not let her be free. She is entirely alone.

This isn’t right.

She deserves so much better than this non-life spent in fear and darkness and loneliness.

“How does it end?” he croaks out.

He has to hear it.

“Doug gets to her. She kills him but she has no one to get back to, and they die, side by side, in the snow.”

Buck has been punched before but it never hurt as much as learning this does.

Even in death he must find ways to know suffering.

But even then, even in this most hopeless of places, faced with the worst of worlds, he searches within himself for the small, almost extinguished, flame that used to animate him.

“But none of this is real”, he protests – weak but a protest still. “How do I know you’re not making everything up to fit your narrative and teach me a lesson?”

“This is _a_ reality, I’m only showing it to you.”

“Well, I don’t want it.”

Nitya’s eyes darken, storms dancing in them. Frozen, he can only watch as she draws closer to him, fascinated and horrified both.

“Well,” she drawls with the faintest hint of an accent he can't quite place. “You don’t have a choice.”

The universe breaks up again under her will.

Again, the sensation of being moved through time and space rattles him, as if a million firetrucks are crushing every cell in his body until all that weight ceases at once and he is left breathless and shivering.

Wherever he is, it is raining.

The water isn’t touching him and he is so focused on the droplets passing through him that he takes him a long second to realize where exactly Nitya has brought him. When it finally registers, any fascination he had for the water evaporates.

A cemetery. They are in a cemetery.

There is someone walking up the alley but he can’t make out their face under the huge umbrella they are holding.

Nitya is still by his side this time and she is staring at the person walking up towards them.

“What are we doing here?” he asks, and he knows that if he were alive, his heart would try to beat out of his chest.

“Haven’t you guessed? What do people do in cemeteries? We’re here to pay our respect to the departed.”

He looks around at the headstones around him but no name catches his eyes. The person is still walking in Buck and Nitya’s direction, and their face is still hidden by the umbrella.

“Pay attention,” Nitya warns. “It’s about to start.”

The person with the umbrella finally coming to a halt in front of a grave. From there, Buck can’t see the name engraved on it, and he rushes closer to them, only stopping in his tracks when he catches the person’s identity.

“No,” he wants to shout.

Wearing gold-rimmed glasses and a sorrowful expression, Hen stands, head bowed.

He has only known her to be this somber when Eva was threatening to take Denny away, or when Karen was going through IVF.

He should bring at the headstone but he can’t bring himself to.

“Please,” he begs, turning back to Nitya. “Tell me Karen and Denny are alright, Nia too. Tell me this isn’t any of them.”

Nitya doesn’t even bother replying – she only points at the grave, inviting him to find out for himself.

Unaware of their presence, Hen puts a bouquet of flowers Buck recognizes as lavender daisies, white dahlias and ones he can’t remember the names of. Back in his teen years, he had a brief but intense fascination with flowers to the point he considered becoming a florist. But his father could have never allowed that, and Buck let go of the idea soon after.

He focuses on the flowers, racking his brain for their names – it’s easier than to face whatever reality is engraved in the stone.

But whatever thought he has is only anchored to him by the thinnest of threads. He struggles to bring them back to him. Should he even be still around? Isn’t he supposed to be gone forever by now?

Looser and looser is becoming his own sense of self. He hangs to it, plants his feet in a ground he can’t feel, and holds strong.

There are questions that need to be answered.

And so he turns to look.

 _Robert Nash._ _Gone but never forgotten._

Buck would have thrown up if he still had been breathing.

“No,” he says, shaking. “This can’t be. You’re making it up. It can’t be. It can’t, no, please. Bobby can’t be dead.”

Heart seized by an ice-cold hand that grips at it painfully, he shivers. A sound escapes his mouth, low and distressed, similar to one of a scared animal. He doesn’t feel human anymore. He feels nothing but horror.

“On January 14th 2017, Captain Robert Nash got into a fatal car accident after a long shift,” Nitya tells him, as if she’s reading it from a report, though her voice becomes warmer as she continues. “In your timeline, both you and Hen noticed how down he was, and you prevented him from driving back to his apartment.”

“She would have stopped him.”

Hen, in any universe that could be, cares for people. She has always been meant to save and protect. He is sure of that – nothing could ever change that, could take this goodness from her.

“She tried, but Bobby hadn’t soften as much as he did with you, and he got into his car despite her attempts. She blames herself for his death and comes often to visit his grave.”

A tear falls from his eye, cold and strange against his skin, but he doesn’t go to wipe it away, it’s a strange comfort at the same time. He is still there in a way, and so is the love he bears for these people he once called family.

“Athena?” he whispers, knowing her fate couldn’t have been a kind one.

“She never remarried, though she did try dating a few times. No one ever clicked. She is still suffering from her divorce, her wound never closed, but she does have a great friendship with Michael.”

“And the kids?”

“Bobby was a great source of comfort for them during Michael’s treatment.”

There is so much in what she doesn’t say. Buck bows his head down, rain is still falling around him, through him, and as he looks down, he can’t say which drops are the rain and which are his tears.

Hen speaks then.

“Hi, Cap’”, she says gently. “You wouldn’t believe the crazy thing that happened on shift the other day.”

She goes on to tell he story he knows very well – he lived it. He remembers that crazy call, a woman standing on the highway, a huge banner with _Norman see me_ placed behind her.

But things are different, details have changed.

He recognizes none of the names she mentions.

“Who are all these people?” Buck asks, dazed. “It was Eddie and me up there with her, and Athena was on scene.”

Nitya raises a single eyebrow. Her eyes are back to their bright golden glow, a clear sign that she is not human. With her dark skin and her gleaming eyes, she could as well be a constellation – or a universe maybe, something that humans should only admire from afar.

His gaze can never leave her face, he couldn’t tell what she is wearing but from what he can catch of it, it’s flowing even without the air touching them, and it is every color at once or maybe a color that only exists for her.

“Do you want to see Chim?”

“No,” he shakes his head, chilled at what his friend’s fate could be. “Enough showing me, I just need to know. Where is Chim? Is he okay? He was already an EMT when I joined the LAFD, I had nothing to do with that, so don’t tell me he isn’t a firefighter here, because I won’t believe you.”

She laughs – it shakes him more than any Californian earthquakes ever did, but it’s also strangely soothing. Despite his turmoil, he feels proud for having succeeded in that, if only that.

“I hadn’t laughed in a very long time,” she tells him, a smile still tugging at her lips. “You are quite the bright soul, Evan Buckley, it is such a shame you can’t see it.”

“Is he alright?” Buck asks again, ignoring the undeserving compliment that she is paying him.

The only thing that interests him in that moment and forever is the fate of his loved ones – nothing else. Not his own well-being, not what awaits him in the great beyond.

“He is alive,” she replies but now there is not one trace left of her smile. “Maddie has been a huge positive influence on him, but here, they have never met. He survived the rebar accident as he did in your timeline, but Bobby’s death soon after was hard on him. He changed station, Hen is the only person he has kept in touch with from the 118.”

Buck closes his eyes, readying himself for what her answer will be but having to ask the question anyway.

“What about Eddie? Christopher?”

“Let’s see for ourselves, shall we?”

Air no long passes through to his lungs but it still gets truck in his throat, painful, heavy like a sharp stone, slicing at his flesh.

“I can’t,” he says brokenly. “Just tell me.”

“I think it’s best to see with our own eyes when we can, don’t you think? What is it you all say? A picture is worth a thousand words? It’s often not the case but I suppose it could work here.”

Unaware, Hen is still talking – the sound of her voice an anchor in this crazy foul world. Wherever they are, whatever happens, he could never be uncomforted by her presence. Were he to appear, she wouldn’t know him, but he would give anything to have their gazes meet again, one last time.

“Let’s go somewhere else,” Nitya announces.

Buck shakes his head. He can’t deal with more of this reality, he just wants to be gone. Where is the light that he can step into and be freed? He wanted more moments with his family, but not like that.

He thought he would see them different, yes, but still happy. He thought that they would be happier in fact. Without him, Maddie would have had one less thing to worry about. All his life she has had to look after him, to clean up his messes.

She raised him. This was too much of a burden on a kid. If he hadn’t been born, she should have been freed of that, but he didn’t think that he helped her as she helped him.

They were two in that house, growing up. Here, she was alone.

And then, Bobby.

What has Buck ever done for him? How is any of this possible?

So many things different only because he has never been born, he thought everything would be better without him.

No, he can’t see anyone else – especially not Eddie and Christopher. He has seen enough, he wants out. His time is over anyway, this is just delaying the inevitable and he can’t stand his loved ones’ suffering.

“No,” he rasps out. “I’m done.”

“You wanted to see and I will show you, child.”

Her tone is as firm as the foundation of the universe, she is not leaving him a choice. The phantom sensation of his heart beating in his chest makes itself known and it’s so out of place that Buck wants to reach out inside of his body and rip it off.

Another new feeling rises in him – fear.

Nitya isn’t human. She is something else, something more. She is powerful and, if she decided, she could disintegrate him with the flick of her wrist, and only so for added dramatic effect.

This is something that he knows, a knowledge anchored in his soul as if he had always known it.

Something deep within him whispers at him, _Whatever you do,_ _do not displease her._ It sounds ancient and nameless, like something carried down generation after generation since the dawn of time. She has been here since the beginning of time and will be well past the end.

“Okay,” he says, glancing again at Bobby’s grave and at Hen kneeling before it. “Show me everything then.”

She smiles, and warmth fills him.

Nitya isn’t limited by humans’ definition of good and evil. In her own way, she is trying to teach him a lesson, but he doesn’t understand why she is even bothering with it. It’s too late anyway, even if he learns the lesson that she is trying to teach him, he won’t be able to do anything with it.

Faster than lightning, she reaches for his arm, and then the universe is splitting open again, his being torn and reassembled.

Whole once more, he finds himself alone standing in a living room he knows all too well.

This is Eddie’s house and it’s not quiet.

Christopher is laughing freely as Eddie, beaming brings him a brightly-wrapped gift, and he makes a big deal of trying to hide it, unsuccessfully, behind his back. Abuela and Pepa are laughing and Pepa is even filming the scene.

“Happy birthday, buddy,” he sing-songs when he presents his son with the gift.

“Thanks, Dad.”

The sight of these two people he loves so much being carefree together brings out Buck’s first real smile since he died and walked away from his body. At least, they are happy – if nothing else, Eddie and Christopher aren’t hurting from his absence.

They seem to be thriving even, if Chris’s bright huge grin and Eddie’s proud and cheery expression are any indication. Abuela says something that Buck doesn’t catch but it makes everyone laugh.

“I’m glad they’re happy,” Buck says and he is surprised to find that his voice sounds choked.

Would he be selfish enough to wish a terrible fate on them only to think that he had meant something to them? He tries not to, but he does.

And that’s exactly why they are happy without him.

He never deserved them.

Buck expected too much, he yearned for things that could have never been his.

Seeing them cheerful and laughing is a source of hope and pain both – pain because it shows that have never needed him, and hope because since they don’t need him, it means that they will be alright in their own world now that he is dead.

They might feel grief for his passing, but it will pass in turn as all things do.

As time goes on, they will think of him less and less until they won’t think about him at all, and if they do, it will only be in passing – the man who used to be in their lives and who died like a coward, without fighting, alone and afraid.

“Happy? Are they truly?” Nitya ponders in a way that tells him there are things she isn’t saying.

“Yes, they are,” Buck shoots back, wishing it true – they have to be.

“But are they as happy as they could be?”

He frowns, “What do you mean?”

“Do you want to learn about Eddie and Christopher Diaz in this life?”

And, “Yes.”

There could never be any other answer to that question.

“Shannon is alive,” she starts, and a relieved airless breath escapes Buck. “They divorced anyway – they were never meant to work together. She left again. She couldn’t stand to see if that would break Christopher’s heart and so she decided to break it where she couldn’t see it, away.”

Meanwhile, Christopher is cheering at his now-opened present, a science kit that he has been begging for in his timeline too.

He wants to scoop him up in his arms, drag Eddie into the embrace, and never let go of any of them.

“Eddie never got over it,” Nitya continues. “He has his aunt and grandmother’s support, but he still feels alone. He didn’t have the 118’s support. It’s been really hard on them both. Eddie pretends a lot for his son.”

Now that he looks closer, Buck can see that Eddie’s smile isn’t as carefree as he thought it to be, and that Christopher’s eyes are dimmer than they should ever be.

Nitya puts her hand on his cheek. His skin burns where she touches him.

“You impacted people’s lives who went on and impacted other people’s lives. With you taken out of the equation, the dominoes fall elsewhere and they bring with them entirely new scenarios.”

“The butterfly effect,” Buck whispers, shaken.

“Yes, you could call it that.”

How could he not see that it’s a birthday party for Christopher but only Eddie, Abuela and Pepa are there?

Something close to anger rises in him, and he breaks away from Nitya’s touch, unable to bear it any longer. He shakes with the force of this feeling, he felt himself disappear, his sense of self disappearing, but he snatches it back, holds it close to him.

“Yes, okay, I get it now,” he spits. “Everything would have been very different for the people that I loved, and, yes, I impacted their lives in positive ways – even if often indirectly. But it doesn’t mean anything in the long run, in the _real_ world. They still are better off without me.”

“That’s what you think?”

“Yes. I get that I had to exist for certain things to happen, but now that I’ve done that, it’s okay that I’m dead. They’ll move on. And I’m not, you know, saying they’re gonna be happy about it, but they will be okay, someday, soon.”

Nitya’s face is unreadable – old and young at the same time in ways his mind can’t comprehend.

“Let’s take another journey,” she says at last. “I want to show you how they will learn to cope with your passing.”

“I don’t want to.”

“And I’m not leaving you with a choice.”

They both stare at each other, the laughter of the Diazes in the background, oblivious to their presence. Buck feels very small before her, but he refuses to bulge. Nitya has her hand offered to him, but he refuses to take it.

This is over. This is done. Why should he go and see how well they all live without him?

Can’t he get peace?

Can’t he rest?

“Oh, child,” Nitya breathes out, pitying. “Why must you hate yourself so? Why can’t you see your own worth?”

He gazes back to Eddie and Christopher, and he smiles, a sad and tired little smile.

God, he loves them so much. All that he’s ever wanted was for them to be happy, and they will be. In their world, they have the 118, they have love and support from so many people.

They don’t need him.

But –

It could make sure.

And, at least, his last image of his loved ones wouldn’t be of graves and grieving faces and loneliness.

He would see them healed and happy.

Buck takes Nitya’s hand.

Christopher’s laughter is the last thing that reaches him before everything disappears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you it wasn't only going to be the world if Buck hadn't been born.
> 
> Get ready because I've got some pretty angsty scenes planned for chapter 3...
> 
> Thank you for reading, please don't forget to leave a comment to tell me what you thought of this chapter!
> 
> See you soon 💕


	3. What could be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Next to the casket stands a picture of himself in his LAFD uniform and, right below it, is written in bold letters, _Evan Buckley, 1992 - 2020, Brother, friend, hero._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> Thank you so much for all your lovely support, it means the world to me (even when you yell at me haha) 💕
> 
> (Also, apologize for any mistakes but I'm in a rush and will read the chapter over later)

“Howie,” Maddie’s voice booms through the apartment. “I know I said I was going to cook, but my shift ran late and so I’m going to order something. You’re good with Mexican?”

Chim does not reply.

Buck watches as he drags himself to the kitchen, not bothering to take his shoes or jacket off. His face is still smeared with soot and sweat, and his eyes are red – haunted.

Buck watches as Maddie’s bright sunny smiles dims when she sees her boyfriend’s state, and he watches still as she plasters it back up right away. She is holding a take-out menu in her hands and her hold tightens on it, the sound of it crumbling resonates loudly in the heavy silence.

“What is it,” she says and it’s so flat it doesn’t even try to be a question.

She knows already, on some level. She knows but she is fighting it.

“Maddie,” Chim says, breathless, wrecked yet still trying to hold himself together for what he has to tell her. “We were called to a fire. It was already really bad when we got there.”

She nods, eyes wide and afraid and shifty. She has started shaking too, and her breath is coming in short and broken.

“We went inside to get people out,” Chim continues. His hand is outstretched to her but stilled mid-air as if not knowing whether to finish the movement or not. “Buck got separated as we were evacuating. The floor, it – it caved in where he was standing.”

“Is he okay?” Maddie asks, pale as death, her breathing more and more labored. “He’s in the hospital again? Why didn’t you call me? I would have met you there.”

Chim makes for the perfect picture of anguish.

He swallows, hard, dry, and closes his eyes, but he opens them soon after, determination shining through.

“Maddie,” he repeats, stronger this time but barely so. “Buck got separated.”

“Yes, you said that,” her tone is clipped but only out of growing despair. “How is he? Is he okay?”

Chim bows his head down, “I’m so sorry.”

She takes a step back, horror dawning on her. The take-out menu is nothing but a ruin in her hands with how much she has crushed it.

“No.”

She is shaking her head and biting her lips, and Buck would die a thousand deaths to hold her in his arms once more and tell her everything would be alright.

“We couldn’t get to him in time,” Chim whispers.

“No,” Maddie cries out. “No, no.”

“I’m so sorry, but he’s gone.”

“No,” she shouts – her whole body is wracked by violent sobs.

Chim, silent tears rolling down his cheeks, tries to get closer to her but she tenses up, holds her arms up, refusing to be touched.

“This isn’t funny, Howie,” she says angrily. “You can’t joke about stuff like that.”

Whatever is left of Buck’s heart breaks all over again. It hurts to see his sister like this because this? This is real, this isn’t an alternate universe or a different timeline, this is their reality and Maddie’s pain is real and it’s raw and it’s impossible to stare at but he can’t look away.

“Mads, please,” Chim chokes out. “I wish I was joking. I swear to you we did everything we could to get to him.”

Suddenly, she stills. Her eyes are wide and fixed on Chim but unseeing.

“Buck – he’s, he’s dead?”

“I’m sorry,” Chim replies and it’s said in a heartbroken sigh.

Without warning, Maddie crumbles onto herself, her legs cut from under her, and she falls to the floor, gracelessly.

“No,” she yells, desperate. “No, not him, no, please, God, no.”

Chim goes to wrap his arms around her and she hangs onto him, weeping, and he holds onto her just as much and he cries too, the both of them grieving the very same man that, unbeknownst to them, is watching the scene unfold before him.

Buck wants to leave, to turn away – it hurts too much. Yet he forces himself to keep on looking.

He was loved. He used to be loved.

They _loved_ him.

Regret brews in him, deep and slow. Maybe it could have been enough for him to try fighting his way out of hell.

Maybe he should have given it a chance.

Still, he hangs to the knowledge that they can and will move on from this impossible grief. Even if seeing them so broken over his death makes it hard to believe, he has to trust that they will learn to live with it and they will eventually leave it behind, unburden themselves from it.

Maddie isn’t alone, Buck repeats to himself like a sick mantra. This isn’t the Maddie from the other universe. This Maddie, _his_ Maddie, has Chim but she also has the whole 118. They have taken her into their little family and they will there for her and for each other through this hardship.

It will be alright – what else could it be?

If they aren’t, then he has done the unforgivable, the irreparable.

They will have to live with his death, they can – he knows how strong they are. All of them have known much worse. It will be okay.

“There is something else I want you to see,” Nitya says from behind him.

He didn’t notice her coming back.

“How much longer are you going to keep dragging me away like this?”

Her mouth does not draw up but she smiles all the same – her forever old eyes bear a burden that can’t be named. He wonders how much she has seen and if there was any way he could ease it from her shoulders, even if just for a moment.

“Child of mine,” she murmurs. “The end draws nearer still but it’s not time to despair. Will you put your faith in me?”

As he stares back up at her, he sees all the universes that she holds within herself. For the first time since he first laid his eyes on her, he realizes how lucky he is to have be chosen by her. He is but one soul among billions, he is nothing extraordinary.

But she must see something in him if she is taking so much time to do this.

“Alright.”

Once more, the universe parts for them.

* * *

Despite having been there only a handful of times, Buck recognizes Michael’s place instantly, but even if he hadn’t, Michael’s voice carries to him even before he can catch his bearings.

“I’m so sorry, Bobby,” he is saying. “I know how much he meant to you, I can’t even begin to imagine what you must be feeling.”

“I know this feeling,” Bobby replies, raw. “I’ve known it for six years.”

He turns to look at Michael and, though Bobby’s gaze isn’t directed at him, Buck recoils at the depth of his grief shining through his eyes.

“I don’t know if I can do this again.”

“You can,” Michael offers, gentle but firm.

Bobby snorts – a bitter sound, joyless.

“Doesn’t it bother you to leave your kids around me when I keep losing mine?”

“Bobby, no. Don’t say that. Your children’s death was an accident, and what happened to Buck isn’t your fault either.”

Bobby shuts his eyes in an unsuccessful attempt at holding back his tears.

“And May and Harry love you,” Michael continues, “as I know you love them. You won’t lose them.”

“I should have told Buck,” Bobby’s voice strangles and it takes him a minute to talk again. “He’ll never know now.”

“He did know.”

“If he did, why did he give up like that?”

Shame flares in Buck’s soul, rendering it alight. It burns so much so that he feels back in the flames, in the smoke, where he sat and waited for death to claim him. Could there have been a way out?

“His parents won’t even come to their kid’s funeral,” Bobby spits suddenly. “Chim told me yesterday.”

“What?” Michael exclaims. “Why?”

“They already had something planned.”

Buck should not have been surprised to learn this but an half-broken sob finds its way out of him anyway. They could not even be bothered to cancel whatever trip or meeting they had to come to their only son’s burial.

“He won’t have his parents there,” Bobby laments.

“But he will,” Michael refutes. “We both know that he will. Family goes beyond blood, and Buck was family for so many people. It doesn’t matter that his parents won’t be there because his true parents will be and so will everyone who truly loved him.”

“He’s right,” Buck says. “Bobby, he’s right.”

Bobby doesn’t hear him.

“One day,” Michael says, “on one of the worst day of my life, my head was killing me so badly that I had to cancel on the kids. We were supposed to go see a movie. Well, I don’t know how Buck got wind of it, but he went above and beyond for me. He took May and Harry and they went grocery shopping, and then he dropped the kids and the food at my place. I was so floored that I didn’t even manage to thank him, but when I tried later, he refused to hear it.”

“That sounds like him,” Bobby laughs, choked.

“He was a good man, a great man. You should be proud of who he was, not think about what he’s done in the end.”

Taken aback, Buck stares at Michael. He has always liked Athena’s ex-husband, he remembers going grocery shopping with the Grand kids that day but never thought that it would leave such an impression on him.

“I am,” Bobby sighs. “Of course, I am proud of him.”

He can’t stand the sight of his captain like this. This is not how he dreamed of having Bobby tell him he was proud of him. All of this is twisted and wrong.

“Nitya,” Buck calls out, wrecked. “Please get me out of here, anywhere but here, please.”

He closes his eyes right as she takes them away but the sounds of Bobby’s cries echo throughout their journey, echo on and on for all of eternity.

* * *

As soon as he sees where she has brought him, dread fills up him but he battles it against the love that he holds for his favorite kid in the world.

Christopher is sitting on the ground, Legos sprawled around him but he does not play with them. His eyes are lost, too old for the face of a child. He is not wearing his usual colorful clothes but is instead dressed in all black.

"You alright, buddy?" Eddie asks from the door.

He too is dressed in all black – black suit, black tie, black shoes.

Eddie’s question remains unanswered. Christopher casts his gaze down – there is none of the energy that characterizes him, he is withdrawn and dreary.

“Talk to me,” Eddie says gently, coming to sit next to his sit.

“Are you going to die too?”

“What?” Eddie and Buck exclaim in unison.

Christopher keeps his head down and Buck has never cursed his death as he does it now. Again, he tries to draw Chris into his arms. Again, it’s useless.

“Buddy,” Eddie breathes out. “Why do you say that?”

Another beat of silence, and then –

"Why do people I love always die, Dad? First mom, and now Buck. I don't want you to die too."

Buck's unbeating heart threatens to crumble his chest from the inside.

"Chris, no," Eddie rushes to his kid's side, not caring about the Legos laying between them, and Buck wants nothing more but to do the same, but he can't.

He can only stand there, useless and invisible and _dead_.

“Chris,” Buck calls. “I’m here, look at me.”

Despite his cries, Christopher does not react. He does not react either when Buck attempts to grab at his toys or when he uselessly kicks at the wall only to see his foot go through it. Here, Buck can do nothing but look at the scene unfold, he is but a spectator, no longer a participant.

Christopher cries in his father’s arms, and Eddie cries just the same.

Broken, beaten, Buck bears the burden of his death alone. He sobs too, and he doesn’t stop until Nitya, silent as the night, puts her hand on his shoulder but he finds no comfort in the touch.

It’s a relief when she pulls them away and he feels himself being torn apart.

* * *

The casket they have picked out for him is black with golden handles.

Buck expected it to be closed but it’s not. His team must have put out the fire before the flames could get to him.

From the back of the room where he is standing, he can see his own body laying inside the coffin, immobile. The mortician did a great job on him, if he didn’t know any better, Buck would have thought himself asleep.

Next to the casket stands a picture of himself in his LAFD uniform and, right below it, is written in bold letters, _Evan Buckley, 1992 - 2020, Brother, friend, hero._

He isn’t smiling in the picture, they aren’t allowed to in official portraits, but his eyes are alight with joy. He doesn’t remember what that this kind of happiness feels like.

The room is long and filled with empty chairs directed at the casket, the walls painted a grayish green that doesn’t draw any attention to them. A stand with a flower wreath on it has been placed in front of the room.

This is where they will hold his eulogy.

It isn’t long after Nitya has left brought him here that he hears a door open further down the hall and a voice he doesn’t recognize carrying to him.

“I will let you two alone for a moment. If you need anything, I’ll be in my office next door.”

“Thank you,” he hears Maddie reply softly.

Right away, his heart constricts in his chest – he isn’t sure he will ever be able to look at her again without recalling her as she cried out his name in sorrow. Her pain was too powerful to stand and knowing he caused it brings him terrible shame.

Maddie makes her way into the room. She isn’t alone, Athena is by her side, holding her by the elbow.

Both of them are wearing black from head to toe.

His sister has a tissue in her hands that she uses to muffle out a sob when her eyes lay on his own lifeless body.

“I can’t do this,” she rasps out. “I can’t.”

“Maddie,” Athena tries, her own sorrow evident in her whole being. “It’s okay – ”

“But it’s not though. It’s not okay because Buck is dead.”

Athena makes a pained low sound in the back of her throat but her hold onto Maddie never wavers. When she manages to catch Maddie’s gaze, Athena gives her a sad but gentle, encouraging smile.

“I’m sorry,” she supplies, “and I can’t imagine how hard it is, but you’ve got us. You’re not alone in this. We’re here for whatever you need.”

Maddie shakes her head, “I need my brother back.”

Buck reaches out to Maddie but his hands pass through her. She doesn’t react. He shouts in frustration – if only he could do something to make his presence known, then perhaps it would bring her some comfort, alleviate her pain.

He tries to knock a chair over – he can't touch it. He tries yelling at Maddie and Athena – they don’t hear him.

“Do you want to see him?”

Maddie’s breath catches but she nods. Brave Maddie, always soldiering on. She was always the one to hold his hand when they were kids, the one who taught him how to ride a bike without training wheels even if he was scared of it.

Of the both of them, she always was the stronger one.

But she hasn’t taken two steps that she stills, her eyes full of tears.

“I’m going outside,” Maddie blurts out. “I need some air, I’ll go see Chim, but I can’t – ”

She doesn’t finish her sentence. Instead, she flips around and all but runs out of the room, leaving Athena behind.

Buck goes to follow his sister but Athena’s sigh holds him back. He catches Nitya’s eyes and asks, “What should I do?”

Nitya doesn’t answer, but her gaze is burning.

He hesitates but that’s when Athena moves and, frozen, he watches her as she walks up to the coffin.

She swipes away an imaginary speck of dust on his jacket. He has seen her do something like that to May and Harry both, a loving gesture – one of a mother. She stays where she is, looking down at his body, but her hand goes up to his cheek.

He startles when he notices a tear at the corner of her eyes.

Athena Grant, crying for Evan Buckley, who would have thought? It’s funny almost that this is how their friendship would end, seeing how it started out. He saved her life and they could not stand each other, and now she is crying over his casket, his ghost hovering in the background, wishing he could comfort her.

“Ah, my sweet Buckaroo,” she whispers and her voice wavers. “I miss you so much already and you’ve only just left us. Everyone misses you. Bobby – he’s such a wreck. I’m so terrified that he’ll fall back into old habits that I’ve thrown out any alcohol in the house, and I’m not letting him be alone.”

Oh. Buck didn’t think about that.

Bobby’s recovery has been hard but he has never showed any signs of nearing a relapse. Sometimes Buck even forgets about it. It’s like the man who broke down asking for help and his captain now are two different people entirely. He has changed so much in so little time and Buck has no doubt that Athena and the family that they make with Michael and the kids play a great part in Bobby’s continued upwards journey.

But to think that it’s his death that could send him back down – no.

It can’t be.

This is just a hard pass, a bad day like there can be but he will overcome it like he has all the bad days that have come before.

“I wish you were still here,” Athena says, voice wet. “We all love you so much and it’s never going to change. I wish you’d seen that, but maybe we didn’t show you enough. I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you,” Buck whispers, unheard.

None of this is their fault. It could never be.

She leans down towards him, “Goodbye, Buck. Find peace in Heaven.”

As Athena’s lips touch Buck’s cold forehead to press a motherly kiss, a sob fights its way out of her despite her attempts at holding it back.

She keeps her head down and lets out another sob. And another, and another until she is but a sobbing mess, hanging onto Buck’s corpse, her cries unrestrained and broken.

He stares and stares and stares.

Time loses meaning – he stays staring for hours or days or centuries. Athena drags herself up, dries her eyes, people fill up the room, go up to his body to pay their respects, some cry, some don’t, people talk, someone laughs, too sharp to be happy.

He doesn’t see any of it.

All around him the world moves both too fast and too slow. He is not a part of it anymore.

“Buck.”

Nitya’s voice snaps him out of his trance.

He flips around.

Everyone has taken their seat – the ceremony has started.

“And now,” a woman he doesn’t know is saying, up at the stand. “I will let Evan’s sister, Maddie, talk.”

“No,” Buck breathes out.

“You have to see,” Nitya says.

“Please.”

But it’s too late. Maddie is already speaking.

“Buck was born three months before I turned eight.”

Her voice though wobbly carries throughout the room.

“You will be surprised to hear it, but Buck was a quiet child. In fact, he didn’t talk until he was nearing three, and his first was Mabbie.”

A few people chuckle. Maddie smiles through her tears.

“Buck has – he had biggest heart of everyone I’ve ever met, even when he was a kid. He would always share his snacks with the other kids, he would spend hours rescuing bugs. He was just the best person.”

Buck looks away from his sister, but his eyes fall on Hen who is crying openly, pressed against Karen. Next to her is Christopher who is sobbing silently in Eddie’s arms.

“The day I left home for college,” Maddie presses on despite her heaving, “He gave me his favorite figurine so that I could have him close to me at all times. I still have it, it’s one of the only things I have from our childhood.”

He remembers that figurine, it was a pink elephant he had found one day. He had no idea that she kept it even after all these years.

“My brother was a hero and he was a fighter, but most importantly he was a friend to so many people. He will never know how much he was loved, but we will. We will never forget him.”

She opens her mouth to say something else, but the only thing that comes out is a sob.

He can’t stand any of it any longer.

He runs out the room.

* * *

Nitya is kind enough to let him break down in solitude, but when she goes to find him, he is still kneeling down, not feeling the ground but still pressed against it, and trying to catch a breath he no longer needs.

“Do you see now?” she asks.

But he doesn’t.

“They just need some time to grieve,” Buck objects, empty.

“You think they will move on with time?”

He nods.

“Let’s make sure,” Nitya says.

Everything moves around them or it’s them who move through everything, Buck can’t tell and he doesn’t care. He is being dragged through space and time to witness his loved ones’ suffering, and he wants none of it.

Why won’t Nitya leave him be? Is it a rite of passage of letting go of one’s Earthly shame before being able to move on? If he does, if he learns his lesson, will he go on, at last?

She has brought them to a house he has never been in. Buck notices frames hung on the walls but he makes no movement to observe them – he will learn soon enough who he is here to see.

He does not have to wait very long.

“Peanut, are you ready?”

Buck takes a double take at Chim. With streaks of white hair crowing his face and laughing wrinkles around his eyes, he looks like he has aged a decade.

“It’s soon to be six years since you died,” Nitya answers the unasked question.

“Hope,” Chim shouts. “It’s time to go, do you want to be late to your first sleep-away camp?”

“Coming, Dad!”

Buck blinks, floored. _Dad._ The voice that answered him was young, that of a child, and she called Chim _D_ _ad_.

A young girl with comes rushing into the room, stopping in her tracks right before Chim. She is wearing pink overalls and carrying a neon yellow backpack and she gives her father a huge proud smile.

“I’m here, Cap’,” she says, clearly an imitation of someone with a very deep voice. “Ready for order, Sir!”

She salutes clumsily and he bursts out laughing.

The kid – Hope – looks so much like Chim that no one would have any doubt that she is indeed his daughter. Her bright gleaming eyes, her cheeky smile, her sense of humor, those are all Chimney.

But her wavy brown hair, her nose, her eyebrows – those are all Maddie.

“Where’s your mom?” Chim asks, still smiling.

“She forgot her purse in your room.”

“Alright, Peanut. Go put your stuff in the car, I’ll get her.”

Buck stares as Hope, giving her father another salute, darts out sprinting.

“How old – ?”

“She will be turning six in a few weeks.”

He frowns.

“But you said it’s been six years since I died.”

“It has,” Nitya confirms and it sounds gentler than it ought to be.

“She must have gotten pregnant right after I died.”

Nitya stays silent.

Buck observes Maddie who has just entered the room and found Chim’s side – age suits her well, motherhood too. She must be an incredible mother, he has no doubt about that.

She was already a wonderful big sister.

And then it hits him.

“She was pregnant when I died.”

It’s not a question but Nitya answers anyway, “She was.”

“She would have told me,” he tries but he knows in his heart that she was pregnant – is pregnant, time is meaningless.

“She had plans to tell you that very Saturday.”

Oh God.

“He should be here,” Maddie says suddenly. Her eyes stay dry but her voice turns heavy with sorrow. “He should get to see this too.”

“I know,” Chim whispers, drawing her into his embrace before giving her a gentle kiss to the top of her head. “I miss him too. Hope would have loved him so much, they would have gotten like a house on a fire and driven us all crazy with their shenanigans.”

Maddie smiles – a sad excuse of a smile.

“I think about him every day,” she admits softly. “even now, I’ll get my phone to send him something that made me laugh but it’s only when I’m typing his name that I remember, I can’t. He’s gone and it’s so unfair.”

Chim hugs her tighter.

“Hope deserved to know her uncle. I just – I don’t understand. I don’t get it. Why didn’t he try? Did he feel so bad that he felt it wouldn't matter? And why didn’t _I_ see anything? Maybe it’s my fault, maybe I was too busy and I didn’t see – ”

“No, stop this,” Chim cuts, not unkindly. “No one saw.”

“Why do they keep blaming themselves for my death?” Buck asks. “It was my decision.”

Instead of answering, Nitya catches his arm, hard, and when everything disappears, his entire being being ripped apart hurts more than it ever has, as if the universe itself is getting tired of him.

When he blinks away the stars, it’s to face Eddie.

And Eddie too has aged and he looks as handsome as ever.

Buck’s heart longs. If only he could have grown old at Eddie’s side, watched Christopher grow together.

“Are we going to talk about this?”

It’s Hen asking the question. She is the one who looks the most unchanged, only her glasses are different – round with wooden frames.

“I don’t see the point in trying to date anyone else,” Eddie replies, short, and it sounds like he has been repeating it a million times. “I’ve had my chance at a great love story, and I’ve wasted it.”

“Come on,” Hen shoots back. “Not everyone gets a great love story, it’s alright, but you deserve to be happy. You’re punishing yourself like this, you won’t allow yourself to move on.”

“Wait,” Buck’s thoughts are going awry in his mind. “Eddie isn’t seeing anyone?”

“No,” is Nitya’s answer – flat and short.

“Eddie, please, you’re my friend. I want to see you happy.”

“It’s all my fault,” Eddie throws. “Why do I deserve to have a happy ending when Buck didn’t?”

“It’s not your fault,” Hen says – she sounds tired.

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

“Wait, no, Eddie.” Buck shouts. “Eddie, you have to listen to me. I’m alright. It’s okay.”

“He can’t hear you,” Nitya intervenes.

“Make him hear me, then. If you’re so powerful.”

Nitya laughs but this time there is no humor in it and Buck feels nothing but his own anger rushing through him.

He’s done listening, watching. He has things to said and he wants them heard.

“It doesn’t work like that.”

“Why not? You’ve brought me to another world and to the future. Why can’t you make him hear me?”

“Watch your tone.”

It’s a warning but Buck is done being afraid too.

“Why? You’ll kill me?”

Nitya makes a sound that would have burst his eardrums if he still had a body. He shivers anyway but he stands his ground. Next to them, Eddie and Hen are still talking, they have no idea of the power near them.

“You _will_ show me respect.”

“Only when you let me go. I’ve seen enough.”

“You have seen nothing, you still don’t see.”

He looks away, biting his lips. It’s painful to stare at her too long.

“You don’t understand why they would still be grieving you years after your death.”

She is right, of course.

“If showing you a world without you and the future without you still isn’t getting to you, then I guess there is one last thing I can show you. If you don’t after, there’s nothing more I can do for you. Your fate will be out of my hands.”

He wants to ask her what she means, but she must be nearing her patience because she snaps them out of Eddie’s house without kindness.

Buck doesn’t even get to hear Eddie’s voice one last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of these scenes I've been dying to write!!
> 
> Can you guess what she wants to show him next?
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter. Please leave a comment, it's discouraging to see so many hits and kudos and so little comments in comparison.
> 
> See you soon for chapter 4!


	4. What was

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck keeps his eyes shut for at least a century, only aware of the chatter and laughter around him.
> 
> He recognizes many of the voices and he lets the noise ease his aching heart.
> 
> “You have to look, Evan Buckley.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!
> 
> I really didn't think I was able to post today, but here we go!
> 
> Thank you for your support 💕

Child of the universe he is, but hated by it.

It shows Buck no kindness as it breaks his soul apart piece by piece, flying him through time and space, burning every cell of him, pulling at him until he snaps and is made whole again, and then torn apart once more.

It leaves him no time to build himself together. Whatever scene he is about to witness has already started.

“I’m sorry I lost my crutches.”

Christopher is wearing soft blue pajamas, his hair is still damp from the shower. He looks tired, but the kind of tired that comes after a long, exhausting day, not the kind that comes with a day of sick and pain. That soothes some of Buck’s aching heart.

Confused, he wants to ask Nitya for answers but one stern look from her makes him click his mouth shut.

“It’s okay, buddy,” Eddie replies, his voice taking the gentle intonation it always does when he’s talking to his son. “The only thing that matters is that you’re okay. You found your way back to me, and I’m so proud of you.”

Buck feels his heart drop in his chest.

He knows what Nitya is showing him, and he has no need to witness it.

“I searched for Buck,” Chris says. “I kept asking everyone if they’d seen him.”

The tsunami – this is the past.

What he is seeing happened right after the worst day of Buck’s life.

“You know, Buck kept looking for you too,” Eddie offers kindly. “He never stopped until he knew you were with me.”

“I know. I knew he’d find me.”

But he hadn’t. Buck hadn’t found him – Eddie had.

As long as Christopher went home that night, that was all that mattered but Buck could never shake the guilt.

Eddie had entrusted his son, the one thing that mattered the most to him, with Buck, and Buck had lost him.

He never felt like he had done enough. He knew he could have done more. If only he had been faster, stronger, than Christopher would have never fallen into the water. He would have been safe.

“He protected you?” Eddie asks, but he’s smiling like he already expects the answer.

Christopher nods vehemently, “Me and a lot of people.”

It was Buck’s need to play the hero that got Chris taken by the unforgivable waves of a raging ocean. It could have been so much worse. That day, among the misery and despair, they had been so lucky.

“Yes,” and the softest smile is tugging at Eddie’s lips, fond and warm – the sight of it catches Buck’s by surprise. “That’s what he does.”

What does that mean? Buck knows Eddie will forgive him in the morning that follows, but where is the disappointment that he would have had to work through first? The resentment?

“He’s a hero,” Christopher announces, very sure of himself like only a child can be.

“That he is, and so are you my Superman. But even heroes need their sleep and you’ve had a very long day.”

No, Buck is no hero.

“Is he okay now?”

“He is,” Eddie promises. “He’s probably already sleeping.”

He, in fact, had spent a restless night, gnawed raw by the guilt and the images of what he had seen that day.

“Can we go see him tomorrow?”

Oh – it had been Christopher’s idea, not Eddie's as he had always thought.

“Tell you what, you two can spend the day together again, if you want.”

It still awes him that Eddie would let Buck near Christopher again, let alone so soon after he has lost him. But there is no denying it – Eddie bears no anger for him.

Eddie with his big heart, his bruised heart, forgives as easily as he breathes.

God, how Buck loves him, and how much he loves Christopher too.

He would have gotten anything to earn a place in their family.

“We are running out of time,” Nitya’s voice comes close but he can’t see her – all his attention is focused on the two Diazes. “We have to go, there is still much you need to see.”

The pain of being moved through the universe does not even register. The warmth of having seen Eddie and Christopher like that carries in his heart, ignites something he thought lost, but something he can’t find the words for just yet.

When he opens his eyes again, the first thing Buck sees is Bobby.

And then he notices himself, laying on his back, a white cast all up his leg – fast asleep.

His captain is sitting at his side, his chair as close as it can be to the bed.

Buck remembers that day. It was a week into his hospital stay post firetruck bombing and he had been having a rough time. He remembers Bobby coming in to chat and keep him company since Buck was still not allowed to get up and walk.

He remembers still being heavily drugged on pain-killers and falling asleep on Bobby, practically mid-sentence, only to wake up hours later to an empty room, feeling alone and abandoned.

He has no memory of Bobby staying by his side, his head bowed to Buck, but then how could Buck have any memory of something that happened while he slept?

“Hey.”

Both the man and the ghost of Buck turn to see Athena standing at the doorway, holding a bag of pastries in her hands.

“I hoped I’d catch him awake a bit, but oh well,” she says in a whisper. “How is he?”

Bobby makes a low sound that’s no answer at all as he watches his wife sit in the chair next to him. She puts the bag down on the bed and angles her body towards him.

“So. How is he?” she asks again.

“He’s strong.”

“I know that, but that’s not what I asked,” she presses gently.

After a sigh, Bobby capitulates. “He’s trying to keep up a good face but he’s scared and in pain.”

He hadn’t know if he would find a use of himself again, if his leg would sign the end of his career as a firefighter for good.

“He’ll get better,” Athena promises. “You know that kid, he’s stubborn.”

Buck had no idea Athena even came to see him that day, let alone that she and Bobby talked about him as he slept. He had always thought his captain had left as soon as Buck had fallen asleep, and there was that.

But he remembers that day because it had been one of the worst in those early times after the accident.

It had been still day when Buck had fallen asleep, Bobby still in the room, but as he stands there, as a ghost, Buck sees that the sky is darkening outside and Bobby is still there.

Why would he stay that long? In case Buck woke up?

“And how are _you_ doing?”

At the time, Buck had been too overcome by his own pain to think about asking about his friends’ well-being, but of course Bobby had been carrying guilt over the incident. Of course it must have been hard on them too.

But Bobby’s answer isn’t about that.

“I thought we’d lost him. Every time I close my eyes, I can hear his screams when we tried to lift the truck off him.”

Oh.

“But he’s alright now, you saved his life, risking yours in the process.”

“I’m sorry, Athena,” Bobby offers, sincere. “I just, I had to do something.”

“I know,” and she sighs in turn. “I understand. You love him.”

Buck expects Bobby to protest, or make a joke maybe, but Bobby’s eyes soften as he looks over at Buck’s sleeping form with a fondness that Buck can only recognize now that he’s looking at it from the outside.

“God help me, but I do. I love this kid.”

“He’s not a kid though.”

“I know. It’d be easier if he was.”

Athena laughs softly, “You don’t mean that.”

A smile tugs at his lips and Buck knows Athena takes it for the victory it is.

“No, I don’t,” Bobby confirms, amused but he turns serious once more, his eyes settling on Buck again. “I don’t think he gets it but I don’t want to change him, I just want him safe.”

“He is, and he’s got us. It’s hard for him now, and he doesn’t see it, but he’s got us. He’s family.”

“I love you both,” Buck says but, of course, they don’t hear him.

Nitya does not leave him say goodbye. Her hand shots up out of nowhere, grabbing him and whisking him away to be broken apart by the universe.

* * *

Buck keeps his eyes shut for at least a century, only aware of the chatter and laughter around him. Time means nothing in death, he is out of its stream, out of its reach. He can take as much of it as he wants while it still does not change.

He recognizes many of the voices and he lets the noise ease his aching heart.

“You have to look, Evan Buckley.”

When Nitya gives an order, he can do nothing but obey.

It’s Athena’s house but Athena is nowhere in sight, and neither are Bobby or Michael or any of the kids. Yet the house is far from being empty.

 _Welcome back, Buck!_ reads the banner.

He knows this banner, it was hung at the party for his return after the firetruck accident. The very same party he suffered a pulmonary embolism in halfway through.

Maddie and Hen stand side by side looking at what Buck knows to be their hard work.

“Well,” Hen declares proudly. “Women do get shit done.”

“I can’t believe it’s finally all ready,” Maddie says, smiling wide. “I feel like we’ve been planning this forever.”

“We have,” Eddie chimes in, coming up behind them and offering the two a glass of water each. “Bobby has been sounding like a broken record with all the things we needed to get done for this party.”

“Don’t act like you’re not over the moon to get your partner in crime back,” Hen teases and Eddie bears it with a radiant smile.

“I’m so happy,” he confesses shamelessly. “It’s been empty without him, I’ll be honest.”

“For real,” Chim pipes in and he wraps an arm around Maddie’s side who grins up at him. “Don’t tell him I said that but shifts without Buck are so boring. But that’s only because picking on Eddie isn’t as fun.”

"You have to get going, Maddie," May pipes in, holding a checklist and looking very much like her mother. "It's time to go pick up Buck."

"Or we can do the party without him," Chim offers cheekily.

The five of them laugh freely at the joke, and Buck stares in wonder. Something forgotten stirs inside of him, something easy and beautiful – love.

Yes, these people love him and he loves them right back, and it doesn’t have to be a tragic affair.

It can be easy and fun and teasing - friends, family being there to celebrate one another in moments of joy, and support each other in moments of difficulty.

Yes, pain came soon after at that party, but he had been happy first that night before he collapsed. He had laughed just as freely as they are laughing in that moment.

He had been so overwhelmed by his suffering that he bad been unable to see the beauty and the love that surrounded him.

He had all of this.

And he lost it.

He can never find it again, it’s too late. His time has come and gone.

It’s cruel of Nitya to make him realize that he had been blind to what he had now that he has lost it forever.

What can he do as a ghost? They can’t hear him, they won’t know how remorseful he is, but even that would be too little, too late.

“It’s time to go,” Nitya says.

“Can we stay a little bit longer?”

“I would let you, but there is one last thing you have to see before it’s too late.”

He can’t stand this charade anymore. It’s pointless and painful, why show him this? Why drag him away like so when it’s too late for him anyway?

And what happens next? Is his time running out? He thought it was already the case.

Is he going to disappear? That's what he has been longing for since he died, but now that it might happen, he finds himself hesitating.

* * *

Building himself whole after being transported is a long task, one that he never wants to have to do again.

Especially if it is to see what he is seeing.

Nitya has brought him back to where they met.

The fire is gone now but his body remains – untouched by the flames.

His team is here, wearing their turnout coats still, as well as varying degrees of despair and denial.

They stand in silence until Hen breaks it, “He didn’t try to get out.”

“What?” Chim exclaims. “Of course he did, what do you mean?”

Bobby doesn’t even acknowledge them. He is on his knees before Buck’s body, hands on his own lap – the definition of defeat.

“There’s a window right there,” Hen says, horrified, and she points at it with an unstable hand. “He could have gotten out but he didn’t see it, because he didn’t try. He sat and he waited.”

If Nitya’s goal was to make Buck ashamed, then she succeeded a hundred times over. It swallows him whole, a bitter, faceless monster that eats at him until there is nothing left of him at all but this pulsating pain, ugly and bitter.

“No,” Eddie breathes out brokenly. “You’re wrong, it’s not possible. He just didn’t see it because of the smoke, but he tried. He did try, he had to.”

“I’m sorry,” she says, low, pained.

“No,” Eddie protests again. “He tried, he did.”

But as Buck watches, he knows there can only be one conclusion possible.

The window he didn’t notice is not even three feet from where he died. If only he had looked for another exit, he would have found it right away.

When the floor gave in, Buck found himself in the house’s basement. One exit, the one that goes upstairs, was burned down and up in flames when Buck had landed there, but there is another exit – the window.

It would have been large enough to fit Buck, even in his heavy gear. Even now, that corner of the room remains spared by the fire and, to make matters worse, there stands a sturdy workbench that Buck could have used to make his escape.

He could have gotten out.

He could have made it – had he only tried even just a bit.

Now, his friends have to suffer the consequences.

Shame souring his mouth, Buck looks away. It seems like that’s what he always does – looking away because he can’t bear it, because it hurts too much, because they loved him.

They loved him so much and now they will blame themselves for his death and there is nothing he can do to make it better. He thought so many terrible things for so long but he isn’t sure of anything anymore.

What if he’s been wrong all along?

What if they truly won’t be better off without him? What if he was as important to them as they are to him?

But why should it matter now that he’s dead?

“Why do you show me all this?”

Like a set being taken down after a play, the room, his team, his body, everything gets stripped away bit by bit, flies away, until all that is left is Nitya, Buck, and the nothingness of the universe, cold and beautiful and awful.

“You had forgotten, you were so deeply rooted in your own self-hatred and fears that you forgot all about the people who love you. I simply reminded you of it.”

“But why?” Buck repeats, tired beyond himself. “Why now that it’s too late? So that I can go into the afterlife carrying the guilt of my mistakes, knowing how much I hurt the people I love the most?”

He longs for rest. He wishes he could take his heart out of himself and cut it from him, lay it down somewhere, bury it deep into the Earth. Then, maybe, something beautiful could grow from it at last.

He tries to hang on to his horrid beliefs but he can’t. He has seen the truth now.

He lets them go.

Buck was loved. Buck was important. Buck mattered.

He should have fought. He should have done so much more than what he has done.

“It was so much easier when I refused to see,” he breathes out, exhausted by this long insane journey.

“Was it really?”

But no, no it wasn’t. Nitya is right.

A loveless, hopeless life is no life at all. He could not see the world for how it truly was – his own twisted sense of self distorted everything, broken lenses from which the world appeared monstrous.

And he was in pain, so much pain that he had been carrying for longer than he cared to admit. He had just been adding weight after weight until he was carrying a mountain on his back while still pretending to himself and everyone who would ask that he was free as a bird.

The weight, the pain, will always be there – lingering.

It is something he will carry forever and there will be days where the weight will flatten him to the ground. He doesn’t have to carry it alone though.

This is what he forgot. This what he lost. He is never alone.

And he knows this now, he will never forget it again.

If only he had known this while he was still alive.

He would try harder, he would find the window and climb out of it, walk away from death and the flames. He would ask for help, he would – he would live.

He wants to live.

“Let me go back,” he begs at Nitya. “I’ll do better, I see it now. _Please,_ let me go back.”

“What would you do differently?” she asks, impossible to read.

“I’d tell the people I love that I love them. I’d listen, truly listen, when they say they love me back in their own ways. I’d be kinder to myself, I’d learn to open up, to say it when I’m not doing well. I’d do better. I can do better.”

She stays silent and so he keeps going, desperation and hope clinging at him, battling within him.

“Nitya, please, you know what I’m made of. Hell, you probably know it better than I ever did. Give me this chance to make things right. For them, for you, and for me too.”

All-knowing, she stares at him without blinking, and he, not afraid anymore, stares right back, holding his ground, fighting not to get swallowed by the galaxies in her eyes.

“If I did,” she says at last, “would you do me proud? Would you use the lessons I have taught you? Would you breathe in freedom?”

“Yes,” he swears. “I would.”

“Then go be free, child of mine.”

Flames burst all around them, but they are still standing in the vast emptiness of the universe.

Hope. Peace. Happiness. So many feelings he had lost and has found again.

“This is where our paths go their separate ways, for now,” Nitya tells him with a gentleness in hasn’t know in her.

“I’ll see you again one day then? When it’s my time for good?”

She gives him a smile as warm as the feel of a thousand suns on his skin, too intense to bear but impossible to escape – oh he could stare at this smile until the end of times.

“Make it last,” she says.

“Don’t you know when it’ll be?" he can't help but ask, his curiosity awaken from its slumber. "You’ve brought us to the future, you must know when I’ll die.”

“Nothing is set in stone, child, even the past. Neither of us knows what awaits you like no one else on Earth knows their own fate – because there is no fate. You, humans, make you own fate every second of every day, even a breath you take could send your whole life in an entirely new direction.”

He listens, hanging to her every word. This is a lesson not many have had a chance to learn in their lifetime and, now that he knows that he will return to the world of the living, he knows how lucky he is to get to hear this.

“You won’t know anything for certain, but you will carry your love for your family and now the love that you carry for yourself. This will be the one thing you can always count on, no matter what happens. So, no, I can’t tell you when you will die but would you even want to know?”

He doesn’t have to think it over.

“No,” Buck admits. “Mystery is what keeps us living.”

He takes a long deep breath, letting it fill him up – a breath that he doesn’t need but that he appreciates all the same. He finds that he misses being alive. He misses real air filling up his lungs, he misses his heart beating in his chest, he misses all the sensations that he has lost in death.

Even now, out of the darkness, all that he feels is muted, far from him.

Death takes it all, but he is about to walk back into himself. Nitya is giving him another chance that very little people have been given.

“Can I ask why? Why did you pick me out of everyone in the world?”

“Everyone carries a flame within themselves but you, my child, you are a forest fire. How could I see you go out without trying to revive you?”

Nitya, mother of mothers, opens her arms for Buck and he steps without her embrace, knowing a peace that has no words. Questions he has never known how to ask find answers in her arms but when he steps back, he remembers nothing of them.

It leaves behind only the memory of warmth, like walking away from campfire and into the night, skin still warm for a moment.

“Go, child. Make your own destiny, even I can’t control it. Make me proud.”

“I’ll do my best.”

The universe, as gentle as the calmest of waves, transports them to the basement in which he met his demise. The fire is still as high as it was when he sat and waited for his own death, his body is still slumped over where he last saw it.

One last time, he turns to Nitya. There is so much that he is feeling, it’s hard to grasp at anything and voice it, but he knows there is still one thing he needs to say.

“Thank you,” he whispers. “For everything.”

“You are not the first and you won’t be the last I take a special interest in, but I only look after the brightest of souls.”

He nods, strangely relieved. Others will get this chance too, others have already gotten it. He can only hope that they will be able to see the truth of their own worth the way that he has been made aware.

“Goodbye, Nitya.”

“Goodbye, my child. Don’t forget what I taught you.”

After one last look at her, bright and beautiful in ways words can’t measure up to. He doesn’t know how much he will remember of his death but the image of her – skin dark like the darkest night sky, eyes gleaming golden like all the stars of the universe – that image will stay with him forevermore.

Determined, he turns back to his body.

To his life. His second chance.

The fire is burning all around but he doesn’t feel it as he walks through the flames, towards his unconscious body.

Doubt, pernicious, sneaks up on his heart – peace or freedom?

There will be no true rest once back on Earth among the living, in that mad chaos, but he would be able to make his own decisions for himself. He would not be dragged away against his will, at the mercy of the universe.

For too long, he forgot who he was, and who he is a man who dares, a man who takes risks, a man whose heart beats, not selfishly, but selflessly. Finally, he understands, it’s not wrong to ask for love but he never had to ask.

Buck closes the distance with his body, and closing his eyes, steps back in it.

It burns, it aches, it’s so intense he is tempted to walk right back out and beg Nitya to take him away forever. Yet, he holds fast.

He has done enough giving up.

* * *

Evan Buckley comes back into himself with a startled gasp.

The first thing that he notices is that he is alone.

Then he notices how hard it is to breathe.

But he can breathe and real air goes through to his lungs, scorching air but air all the same. All of him is his and is real and is solid, though aching.

He is alive.

Now, more than ever, he wants to live.

Buck gets up.

He has to get back to his family.

The window is where Hen pointed at, and it’s truly is to climb out of it, even with his ragged breathing, burning lungs and heavy clothing.

The flames try to claim him one last time, but he frees himself from them.

It’s almost laughable how easy it is to get out.

He drags himself to the front of the house, he has to see them, his friends, his family, the people he loves with all of his heart. He has to find them, tell them.

He has to make it real.

Eddie is being held back by the team.

“Buck,” he is yelling but he is yelling at the house, his gaze hasn’t found him yet.

Buck tries to call back – his throat is dry and raw from the smoke.

It’s Chim who sees him first.

“Buck! He’s here, guys, he’s here!”

At once, the combined gaze of his team feels as heavy as Nitya’s, but Buck has learned again that he does not back down.

He steps closer.

“Buck!”

They run to him, and, finally reunited with them, Buck falls into their arms, wrecked but alive.

Eddie catches him, his hold is strong, tears are falling down his eyes but these tears are of relief, of joy, of incredulity.

“I died,” Buck croaks out. “I was dead, I died, but I’m here, I found my way back to you.”

And he means the whole team, his entire family, but it’s Eddie’s eyes he settles on when he says _you_.

Once more, everything goes dark around him, but he feels no fear, no pain.

He has been found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading 💕 I hope you liked this chapter!
> 
> The angst is finally over... mostly. There is still the matter of Eddie and Ana to deal with hehe
> 
> I can't believe we're getting so close to the end, but I might add another chapter depending on how chapter 5 turns out when I set to write it.
> 
> Please, leave a comment and tell me what you think!
> 
> See you soon all!


	5. What will be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dying has given him a new perspective, a new appreciation for in-between moments where anything can happen, when life can go into entirely different directions.
> 
> Mystery is possibility, and possibility is everything.
> 
> His journey with Nitya feels far from him, like the remnants of a vivid dream that fades away so very slowly until all that is left of it is the emotions it awakened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!
> 
> Thank you again for all your love and support 💕💕
> 
> Since I'm gonna ramble in the end notes, I'll only tell you to enjoy this last chapter!
> 
> **Warnings**  
>  \- Canonical past character death  
> \- Mentions of past suicidal thoughts  
> \- Mentions of depression

Getting reacquainted with his body after dying and being reborn is an odd sensation.

A few times, Buck has caught his lungs begging for air as he forgot to breathe, and, in the silence of his hospital room, he has become very aware of the sound of his beating heart, almost too loud it is.

Even just being able to touch, to smell – it’s overwhelming.

It’s the price to pay for being alive once more, and it’s more than worth the discomfort.

Buck has spent too much time with his feelings muted, his spirit dimmed, to resent feeling so vividly. Everything is vibrant – his soul, his heart, his emotions.

As it always should be.

* * *

The team acts strangely around him.

He would put the blame on himself, thinking he is only picking up on any strangeness because he has just been revived from the dead and is trying relearn how to be alive, but he knows these people. They know how to read one another with just one look. They have to with their jobs, there is never a second to spare asking each other what they should be doing.

No, they are indeed acting strange.

Buck feels the weight of their gaze on him but when he turns his head, he can only catch them looking away or pretending to look at something else, resolutely staring at anything but him.

They stay with him but say nothing as he is brought to the hospital to get his lungs checked, and when he is put in a room for overnight observation, they resume their odd ways.

Before his death, this would have sent him down a spiral of doubt and self-hatred – what did he do wrong?

Now, he only waits to them to talk.

He can leave them time to gather their thoughts. Dying has given him a new perspective, a new appreciation for in-between moments where anything can happen, when life can go into entirely different directions.

Mystery is possibility, and possibility is everything.

His journey with Nitya feels far from him, like the remnants of a vivid dream that fades away so very slowly until all that is left of it is the emotions it awakened.

Buck remembers his death in fragments, a mosaic of moments that only makes sense when observed from a distance, but he holds these memories close to his chest to keep himself warm.

Certain scenes he remembers as clear as day, but others, fuzzy and confused.

Most of what is left is what he has felt – grief, shock, self-acceptance.

He is grateful for Nitya. Without her he would have died a lonely death, never knowing how much has was loved or how much he was worth.

When Maddie joins them, she picks up too on the tension, but her relief at seeing her brother alive and whole must keep her from asking questions because she throws her arms around his neck and holds him.

He almost cries when she lets go, and he has to bite down his tongue – he wants to apologize, he wants to tell her he knows about her pregnancy.

He says nothing.

Hen clears her throat and, at last, he meets a teammate’s eyes – she holds it. She observes him, a slight frown at her brows, and then she seems to ready herself, squaring her shoulders and straightening her back.

“You said you died,” she says. “Why?”

Maddie startles, tears well up in her big brown eyes, and it’s with confused terror she looks at her brother.

There it comes.

It is true that Buck said that – he could lie. It would be so easy to pretend he does not remember anything from his escape, blame it on the shock.

But why? Lies have never brought him anything but loneliness and pain.

So, for the first of many times, he says the truth.

“Because I did.”

Eddie inhales sharply, taking a step closer instinctively, and Buck feels relieved at that. He knows now that Eddie cares for him, in whatever capacity that may be, and he also knows that they can fix whatever broke between them.

Buck won’t give up anymore.

He will fight for those he loves even if it means coming face to face with his own fears.

Buck loves Eddie and Eddie loves Buck, it’s as simple as that. It doesn’t matter if it’s romantic or not on Eddie’s part, it doesn’t matter if Buck has to watch the man he loves love someone else.

Healing will come, his broken heart will mend, but whatever happens, he will always have Eddie and Christopher in his life.

“What do you mean, you died?” Chim exclaims. “This doesn’t make sense, you’re alright.”

But he sounds unsure of himself and it comes out as a question almost.

“I know it’s nuts but you have to believe me. I did die, I was dead for a long time.”

The flames – they never touched him, it was the smoke that killed him, but he can still sense them licking at his skin, burning it to a crisp, hellfire all around him.

“I was in the basement,” he says, low as if afraid of disturbing the fragile atmosphere they have created. “I woke up there after falling, and I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see. And I’d lost my mask.”

Bobby sits on the edge of his bed and grabs at Buck’s calf, like he needs to make sure Buck is here, alive and real.

His family surrounds him, warmer than any flames could be. It gives him the courage to go on.

“The fire was all around me,” he continues. “But I was safe enough, I didn’t break anything, and the fire wasn’t touching me. I didn’t see the window. I didn’t _look_. I was tired, from the smoke inhalation but also tired from within.”

He hesitates but he has to say it. No one can help him if no one knows what’s wrong.

It could have been terrifying to open up to so many people at once, but they deserve to hear it, they have to hear it, and he knows any onslaught he will face will be out of the love they hold for him.

“I didn’t try to get out.”

Maddie sobs out. He gives her a small smile and catches her hand to squeeze it, a silent excuse.

Bobby’s hold on him has grown tighter still, more desperate, and when Buck looks up, he sees only horror written on Hen and Chim’s faces.

Eddie is shaking.

“I gave up,” Buck confesses – it hurts to say out loud but it’s freeing too. “I didn’t see the point in fighting my way out. And so I died, but then I was there, still in the basement, outside of my own body, and I could see it. I was dead.”

He felt nothing then, not even surprise. He was dead and that was a relief. He could go on, disappear from the world and not have to face the consequences of his action.

It would have been so easy to fade away.

Maybe that’s what death is, lose sense of one’s own identity to become part of something bigger, something that encompasses all there is – to become one tiny part of the universe, no longer one unique soul but a link in a forever chain of existence.

It would have been peaceful, but Buck has much to live for still.

“Evan,” Maddie whispers brokenly.

“There was this woman,” Buck continues because he can’t stop now, they have to understand. “I think she was the universe made flesh. She showed me many things.”

“What things?” Eddie asks – scared, tensed.

He might be scared because Buck is talking about giving up on his own life, or because what he is saying sounds insane, but Buck himself isn’t afraid. He can make them see.

“Things I need to see, stuff that I forgot. First, she showed me what it would have been like if I had never been born.”

“Okay, George Bailey,” Chim jokes with little humor.

“Who?”

He shares a confused look with Maddie but she does not seem to get the reference either.

“Right,” Chim says. “Forgot you didn’t know movies. Go on.”

Images of Hen kneeling at Bobby’s grave, of Maddie with blond hair and shaking hands, Eddie and Christopher without the support they needed from the 118, rise up to his mind but he can’t catch them. They are but a fleeting thought, gone as soon as they arrived, but they hurt plenty anyway.

“Then, she showed me your lives if I stayed dead.”

Buck tries to press on but his breath catches. He allows the tears to fall without shame – forever he will carry the cries of Maddie and Chim, echoing on and on in his heart, as they fell to their knees, grieving his death.

The helplessness at having to watch so much misery while still being unable to reach, to comfort, is not something he will ever rid himself of.

“Buck,” Eddie says. “Talk to us.”

Buck feels deeply, and even at the worst of his depression, he did feel deeply still, though the only emotions he felt were negative.

The love he has for Eddie transcends the universe, goes beyond death itself, so when Eddie begs him to talk, Buck can’t do nothing but just that.

“It was awful, you were all so broken over it, and I – I saw my own funeral.”

The silence that follows is louder than any gasp or shout.

It must be hard to believe, Buck knows he sounds mad, that all of what he is saying could be born out of a delusion induced by his brush with death. But he has no doubts, he died and looked beyond the veil, saw the universe in its beautiful and cold infinity.

“I can prove that it’s true, I’m not making things up,” he promises and he nudges his sister closer until he can whisper into her ear without anyone else hearing it. “On Saturday, you’re planning on telling me that you’re pregnant.”

She jumps out of his reach, her eyes are wide and her mouth opens and closes a few times with no sounds coming out.

Around them, their friends are confused and frowning, but Buck keeps his focus on Maddie.

She searches in his eyes for anything that would give a lie away, but he is not laying and he has nothing to hide. He bares his heart to her, to them.

“Chim told you,” she tries though she doesn’t sound like she believes it herself.

“Told you what?” Chim asks, his gaze flying from one Buckley sibling to the other.

“You know he wouldn’t,” Buck tells his sister. “I saw it, in a future that will never be now. But I saw.”

Maddie stares at him, frozen, and then, low but firm, she says, “I believe him.”

He senses everyone else’s hesitation, but he has other cards to fold.

Still holding Maddie’s hand, Buck turns to his team.

“The party you all threw me,” he blurts out, racking his brain to remember the details of the scene. “Chim joked that he only wanted me back on the team because it was more fun to tease me than Eddie, and then May came to tell Maddie she had to go to pick me up.”

They are torn, wanting to trust and believe him, and fighting against such an impossible concept.

“Why would anyone tell me that?” he presses. “Come on, you know the only way I could know that is if I’d been there with you.”

“This is insane,” Chim states. “But alright, I’ll roll with it.”

He flashes a grateful smile to his friend, relieved that at least one of them believes him.

But Eddie, Hen, Bobby – they still pause.

“After the tsunami,” Buck tells Eddie, bracing himself. “You put Chris to bed and you talked. You talked about me. He told you he was sorry for losing his crutches, and then he said that he kept looking for me and that he knew he’d find me.”

Eddie mouth opens only for silence to come out.

“He said I was a hero, and you said so was he, and that even heroes needed to sleep. And then he asked if he could – ”

“ – spend the day with you again,” Eddie finishes for him, having found his voice again.

“Eddie,” Bobby says, an unasked question.

“He’s saying the truth. I believe him.”

“Okay,” their captain breathes out. “Then so do I.”

Hen only nods, still uncertain but willing to listen him out.

“If it’s true,” she falters, “then you essentially killed yourself.”

Buck looks down, “Yes.”

“You can’t ever do that again,” Bobby whispers, broken and terrified.

“I won’t,” Buck swears and he looks at them all one by one, trying to share his determination. “I was wrong to give up, I know that now. I’ll never do it again.”

And it won’t always be this easy, but such is life, and he is glad to live it.

There will be much to talk about, his family will need time to heal from this too and so will he, but none of them will have to do it alone.

* * *

Buck gets released two days later with orders to continue resting.

In the hospital, he has never found himself alone, his family wouldn’t let him.

They still have some doubts about his experience with Nitya, especially the more skeptical ones like Hen, but they can’t deny how changed he is.

It’s okay, they can’t really understand what he has seen. To be honest, neither can he. The grandeur of what he has seen still escapes him – the universe itself, impossible to grasp with its infinite vastness.

Nitya whose essence is indescribable, brighter and bolder than anything that exists, powerful and dangerous but mesmerizing like a natural catastrophe – bringing with her destruction and rebirth both.

Eddie visits Buck too. They talk, but they avoid talking about anything that could tip the fragile balance that they have found.

Buck waits. Eddie will come to him in his own time.

* * *

Hen has just gone from dropping him at his place and for the first time in two days, Buck is alone with his thoughts.

He used to avoid that like the plague, try to run away from his own mind.

Now, he is glad for it.

There is still so much he needs to process, so much has happened and he has barely begun to work through it.

He turns when the the sound of the front door unlocking makes itself known.

Seeing Eddie walk into his apartment with the key he has given him puts some of Buck’s heart at ease.

Some things never change.

Neither men say anything for a long time and Buck takes that opportunity to stare at Eddie.

He feels none of the anguish he used to – Eddie’s feelings are out of his control, there is nothing he can do to change them.

What he can do is be in charge of his own feelings, and these feelings are beautiful, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

He forgot how easy it is to love Eddie, but it is – so very easy. Buck fell in love with Eddie gently, without pain, without expectations.

His love for Eddie nourishes him, it makes him more. It fills him up, makes him want to better himself, makes him reach higher. It makes him.

If Eddie never shares Buck’s feelings, then it will be alright because they will still be the best of friends. There are many ways to be a family and they are one already. They share a powerful bond, forged in life and death situations, but also in continuous support over the years.

Buck loves Eddie because Eddie is kind and caring and brave and smart and so many other things, big and small and all magnificent. Buck doesn’t love Eddie because he expects anything in return – his love is giving.

As long as he can stay in Eddie’s life, in Christopher’s life, then it’s all that Buck can ever need.

“I wish you’d come talk to me,” Eddie says suddenly, pained, and his face crunches in guilt. “I should have been there for you more and instead – ”

Buck shakes his head before giving his best friend a gentle smile that hides nothing of the love he carries for him.

“It’s not your fault,” he says. “It could never be your fault. Something was wrong in my brain – it’s like some information wouldn’t pass through. You, the team, Maddie, anyone, you could have all told me a hundred times a day that you love me and it wouldn’t have stuck.”

Eddie’s gaze falls down and his shoulders drop – he too knows about the darkest corners a mind can go to.

“The thing is, you all did tell in a million different ways and I didn’t listen. People say that there is more than one way to say _I love you_ and it’s so true. But now, now I’ll never forget how loved I am, and now you know that if I do, you can remind me of how lucky I am to have all of you.”

Buck will only need a hand extended to him so that he can pull himself out of his own hell.

“You do have all of us,” Eddie tells him. “You have _me_.”

This elites an almost amused smile out of Buck – the irony would have gutted him.

“You’re my best friend,” Buck says.

“No – I mean, yes.”

Eddie bites his lips and then he must decide on something because he stares right at Buck, showing none of the hesitation he has been carrying around Buck for the past couple of weeks.

_Christopher’s teacher, Ana, she asked me out on a date. I think I’m gonna go._

“Listen,” Eddie starts decidedly. “I’m sorry I got so distant.”

“It’s okay.”

“But it’s not, I never said anything and I pulled away and then I couldn’t look at you anymore. You deserve so much better than that.”

The ache of it is still present – all of his suffering is still there. If there is a magical cure for pain, then Buck hasn’t found it, but he can live with it. Time heals all things, and he has time still to grow and to live.

“Explain,” he offers, gentle. “Then we can fix it, together.”

Eddie nods and he takes a moment to gather his thoughts. He has known it since the first first moment he has laid eyes on him, but Buck is endlessly in awe of Eddie’s beauty – not only physical. Everything about Eddie is stunning.

“Did you see me in the future you stayed dead?”

Buck startles. This not anything he would have expected Eddie to start with.

“Yes,” he admits in an exhale.

“How was I?”

It’s not something he wants to ever think about again, but he has found that sometimes the things he does not want to think about are the things he should put his focus on. Ignoring them won’t make them go away, they will only bury themselves deep within and rot the foundations of who he is from the inside until it risks crumbling him entirely.

“It was years after I died,” Buck says slowly. “You were talking to Hen, she kept saying that you had to date people, but you wouldn’t hear it.”

Eddie laughs but it’s dry.

“Of course,” he scoffs, without humor, and self-deprecate somehow. “You know why future me wouldn’t date anyone? Because you were gone and nothing else could ever compare to you, Buck.”

Buck frowns, “Because… I’m your best friend?”

“Because I’m in love with you.”

He freezes, “What?”

It can’t be. This doesn’t make sense, and yet – Eddie would never lie about that, he would never make fun of Buck.

Still, “But Ana?”

“I never went on a date with her,” Eddie confesses, flooring Buck all the more. “I told you that I would but I never managed to even give her a call.”

“I don’t understand,” Buck admits. “If you love me, why did you – ?”

He trails off, unable to finish the sentence. It’s only the air blowing on his skin from the opened window and the hurried rhythm of his heartbeat that reminds him that this is indeed real, this is not a dream and he is alive.

“I’m so sorry,” Eddie whispers but his gaze never leaves Buck. “I didn’t know how to handle it, it felt too real, too big. One night we were cleaning up the dishes together and we didn’t even have to talk. I felt _peaceful_ , like I’d never been before. And I got – ”

“Scared?”

“And guilty.”

“Why?” Buck asks. He wants to reach out to Eddie, drag him into his arms, but he holds himself still.

“I’ve never loved Shannon like I love you. I know that Shannon and I could have never made it together, no matter what happened.”

 _They were never meant to work together,_ Nitya had said.

“But you,” Eddie continues, “I love you so much, and you and Chris get along so well. It just, it feels so easy to be a family with you.”

And though they have so much to discuss still, Buck feels a piece of his heart shift and settle, giving him a newfound sense of peace. He was lost at sea for so long, drifting in a storm, and it’s only now that he sees land on the horizon.

There are still miles to go, but he knows his release is coming.

“She’s dead and we never even got a chance to try,” Eddie laments. “Not as partners but as co-parents. For Christopher, we could have tried. Now she is gone and we will never know. And we spent so much time trying before, staying together when we both knew it wouldn’t lead anywhere, hurting each other because we didn’t know how else to be around each other.”

Eddie releases a shaky breath and this time Buck doesn’t resist, he steps closer, close enough to make Eddie feel his presence, but with distance enough that he does not feel trapped.

“I look at you, Buck, and I see this new beautiful chance at love.”

“But you’re guilty because Shannon will never get one,” Buck finishes for him.

Eddie only nods, dejected, but Buck won’t let that happen.

Silently, he opens his arms and, without hesitation, Eddie comes to crash into the embrace, breathless and trembling.

“You deserve good things, Eddie Diaz,” Buck tells him, hoping his certainty will be enough to make Eddie see the truth of his words. “It’s not your fault Shannon died and you shouldn’t spend your life living in regrets and remorse.”

“I know,” Eddie mutters, but knowing and coming to terms with it are two very different things.

“I’m in love with you too.”

What a relief to say it out loud at last.

“You deserve to be happy, Eddie, I want you to be happy. I loved you in silence for a long time, since we met if I’m being honest, and I will love you forever. I died and I didn’t tell you how I felt. All the reasons I was holding back feel meaningless now. I love you. I’m in love with you, and I will wait for you as long as you need.”

Eddie tightens his hold on Buck but he stays quiet.

“We can be great together, we’d work. We both deserve this, we deserve to be happy, and Eddie, you deserve that most of all.”

“I don’t think I’ll need a long time.”

Buck closes his eyes to enjoy the press of Eddie’s body against his, the smell of his shampoo, sweet and fruity, the warmth of his skin against his skin where they meet – it’s intoxicating, a delirious drug Buck doesn’t mind becoming addicted to.

“It’s okay, I can wait,” he promises. “I’ve seen worlds where we’re not in each other’s lives, and they were grim. Maybe, we truly are meant to be, or maybe we make that decision for ourselves everyday. Whatever it is, I choose you, in this world and in any other there is. It’ll always be you.”

Eddie leans away from Buck but only to look straight into his eyes, his own are burning with love and sincerity.

“My heart beats for you, always. It will still beat for you in death.”

Wordless, breathless, Buck reaches for Eddie. He presses his lips at the corner of his mouth, not quite a kiss – a promise.

There will be more.

They keep on holding each other afterwards, drawing strength and support in one another.

“Nitya,” Eddie starts but stops for a moment before continuing. “I don’t know how to feel about her.”

“She helped me see what I couldn’t see. And I’m not saying I’ll never get depressed again, but I know I have you and that it will never change. She gave me a second chance.”

Eddie’s hand goes to caress Buck’s birthmark, almost of its own volition it seems.

“Then I’m glad she was there.”

“Happy thing I died, huh?” Buck jokes, but Eddie makes a pained noise and his fingers move to grip at the back of his head, bringing their faces together, foreheads pressing together.

“Don’t. Don’t even joke about that.”

His eyes are closed – Buck puts his hands on Eddie’s sides, bringing him ever closer.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I didn’t think.”

“When the floor gave in, I thought I’d lost you.”

“You didn’t, I’m here. I made it out.”

Eddie opens his eyes and they shine brighter than Nitya’s ever could.

“You found your way back to us.”

“I did. I always will.”

There are few things Buck knows for certain. He knows his family loves him, he knows his life matters, and he knows he will always fight to get back to the ones he loves.

* * *

_Six_ _months later_

“Hey guys,” Buck whispers as loud as he dares – he is wearing a smile bright enough to rival the sun.

“How’s the world’s best baby?” Albert asks in the same tone, right by his side and smiling just as bright.

Maddie and Chim both laugh quietly. They have dark circles under their eyes but they are glowing with joy and pride.

Next to Maddie’s hospital bed, there is a cradle and inside of that cradle, Buck can see a tiny teeny baby – his heart grows tenfold.

“Do you two want to meet your niece?” Maddie asks, grinning.

Buck’s eyes meet his sister’s and both Buckley siblings share the same look of pure boundless happiness. He is almost shaking with anticipation and so he lets Albert hold their niece first. His nerves calm at the sight of the usual bouncy man so delicate as he cradles the baby close to him.

Hope Han-Buckley stirs when she is placed in her Uncle Albert’s arms but she remains fast asleep.

“She’s beautiful,” Albert breathes out – Buck isn’t surprised to see him tearing up too.

The room has become a bubble only for them, no outside noise reaches them, all attention fixed on Hope in her uncle’s arms.

Buck is impatient to hold her but he can’t deny Albert this moment with her, but Albert, kind and sweet, must sense his growing excitation because he turns to him with a smile.

“Do you want to hold her?”

He is too overcome with emotions to speak so he gives a small nod, and then, Hope is being settled into his arms in all her blue-stripped bodysuit glory.

“Hi there,” Buck murmurs, voice wet. “I’m your Uncle Buck.”

“Isn’t she so small?” Chim says, awed. “She’s basically peanut-sized.”

Buck smiles – so this is where the nickname came from.

Once more, he thinks of Nitya.

He is endlessly grateful for her and for her intervention. If she hadn’t stepped in, he would have never been able to hold his niece close to his heart and listen to the hushed voices of Chim and Maddie talking, while Albert seems to have appointed himself as their official photographer.

Hope opens her eyes slightly, fixing them on Buck, and Buck _melts_.

“Hello, Hope.”

What a perfect name for a child that represents a second chance for so much of her family.

Her parents have found in each other the love and support they have been searching for so long in the wrong people. Albert finds in her and his brother another chance at a family – here in Los Angeles, both Hans have found a family that their father was never able to give them.

And to Buck, she is hope personified – the beauty after the darkest chapter of his life.

Months ago, Buck could have never imagined himself to experience such uninhibited elation.

Had he kept on giving up, he would have never experienced this moment, and though he owes a lot to Nitya, he has to recognize and celebrate his own strength.

It was his decision to go back to Earth. If he had continued refusing to see what was before him, he would have never gotten to that point.

It takes a lot of courage to recognize that one was wrong, but it is always the right thing to do – for oneself and for the world, however big the world might be for one single person.

“She’s perfect,” Buck says, and Chim grins.

“She’s our daughter, was there ever any doubts she would be?”

Buck laughs along with everyone else, he is too happy to tease back.

Hope will grow to become the kid he has seen, and this Hope will have her Uncle Buck, and he will tell her stupid jokes to make her laugh, teach her how to get out of troubles with her parents – do everything an uncle should do.

Until then, he holds her tiny frame closer to him.

* * *

* * *

Life goes on.

Hope grows.

Some things change, some remain the same.

Soon, it’s close to three years after Buck died.

His story could have been very straight-forward – death and then that’s it, it’s done. One chance at life gone by, too late to change anything.

But like anything in his life, he had to make it more complex. His death was only a detour.

Buck doesn’t have to imagine how life would have been had he remained dead, and those images haunt him to this day.

(The first time Athena gave him a forehead kiss, Buck all but collapsed into her arms, crying, apologizing for a pain he hadn’t caused, and though she must not have understood half of what he was saying, she still held him close until his sobs subdued.)

Sometimes, his self-worth slips away from him, but when that happens, he turns to his family.

They are quick to reassure him of their love for him. It’s not always saying the words aloud, a simple moment shared together can be enough to ease his worrying heart.

Learning how to love himself has also made him a more present friend – he is freer, freed from the burden of his darkness, more in touch with his emotions and so he can be there for them more firmly.

Life isn’t beautiful every day.

Some days are gloomy and dark.

Some days he even wishes he hadn’t begged Nitya to send him back. He wishes that he had let the flames swallow him whole.

Those days never last. The sun always rises, chasing away the shadows.

Everything is fleeting. Darkness will not surround him at all times, and the moments of joy are to be cherished when they happen to keep himself warm when his heart grows cold again.

Happiness isn’t euphoria because euphoria never lasts.

Happiness is grounding and stable and Buck _is_ happy.

And on this day, as he holds hands with Eddie, proclaiming their love for each other in front of all their family to be joined in marriage, he is happier than he has ever been.

And when they walk down the aisle, cheered by everyone they love, Hope and Christopher throwing flowers the highest and cheering the loudest, Buck spares one thought to the one who allowed him this moment.

Never will he forget Nitya, spirit of flame and the Earth and the stars who showed him the truth. It wasn’t easy and she hadn’t been soft on him but neither had she been cruel.

He needed to accept his own worth and she had showed him the way.

Buck has no idea if she can see him now, if she knows what he has become. One day, hopefully not for a long time, he will meet her again and he will only have question to ask her.

_Have I made you proud?_

Something tells him he has. If anything, he has made himself proud at least.

Out of the corner of his eyes, among the crowd, Buck catches sight of impossibly dark skin and glinting eyes and he turns just in time to see Nitya disappear into nothingness.

“Buck? You alright?”

He turns towards Eddie, his future, and he smiles.

“I’ve never been happier.”

Nothing is given in life but the present. This doesn’t scare him anymore.

He can go on to live it to the fullest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> George Bailey is the main character from _A Wonderful Life_. Yes, I went meta.
> 
> I'm glad to have written this fic, it was an emotional journey for me as much as it was for Buck.
> 
> Thank you for reading until the end, I hope you liked this fic.
> 
> Please, leave comments on fics. Writers spend so much time on their fics and the only thing that we ask in return is that you, readers, comment.
> 
> Any comment, short or long, will make me happy and even if you read this in 2099, please tell me what you thought of it! That could be the thing that makes my day and inspires me, who knows!
> 
> In any case, thank you so much for reading, and don't forget to tell me what you thought of this story!
> 
> I'm on tumblr [@bilbobagglns](https://bilbobagglns.tumblr.com) if you want to talk, my askbox is always open.
> 
> Love,  
> Pauline


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